Feeling sad and lost

I know we all have times when sometimes life feels like it sucks....now dont get me wrong. I love my family and I am a very blessed person. On the flipside of that story, I have a huge amount of regrets in my life and they just wear on me and drag me down. My house seems to always be in a state of chaos....it bothers me and depresses me which causes an endless circle. A lot of the time, I have no motivation to do anything about it because in less then 10 minutes it will be back where it started. Not a good way to be that is for sure. Also my husband is great with money, me not so much. I like to shop and there are times I buy things that may not be needed but then I expect money to be there for projects and trips and such....then it isnt which is all my fault. That also wears on me more then anyone can imagine. For my sanitiy IT needs to change. I feel that because of all this, it adds more stress which doesnt make me a very good mother or wife....I wish I could snap my fingers and the people from clean house could come and make it all go away. To me, I look at the big picture and all I see in front of me is a huge mountain that I cannot climb, so why even try. I can't look at the small one because the big one is too monumental in size. Here lies the problem, change......it has to happen now....but how to start without getting overwhelmed and wanting to quit. We will see where this road leads in the coming weeks. Maybe having it all out in the open is my first huge step to sucess.

Oh man, do I need a nap and a drink

Today was CRAZY....crazy busy. I got home for the first time at 3:30 after leaving at 8:30 and it has been non stop go ever since. Let see here is how my day went.

9:00 Swim lessons for Kaitlyn
10:25 pick up Julie from school
11:45 Kaitlyn appt with GI dr, who was running 45 minutes late so we had to hurry since we were 45 minutes away from
1:30 Kaitlyn speech therapy
2:30 Julie Riding lesson

so now I am home and my day continues

3:45 Girls in bath getting hair washed
4:15? Drain backyard pond and collect fish to give away
6:00 meet lady with Koi to give to her
6:30 Dinner at Red Hawk....

I am already so tired.....

So to update everything Kaitlyn is going to be flushed out again since her belly is distended and she needs to poop(mom and dad have sucked at giving her meds lately, so we have to back track). Then we are going to start her back on daily laxatives. Meanwhile, I have to take her to the lab for blood work(so not looking forward to that) because her belly has so much distention that her Dr wants to make sure it is not Celiac disease and she also wants to check her Thyroid. She started her 1st session with the speech therapist now that all the testing is done and hopefully that will go well. She is also in swim class and doing great.

As for Julie, school is almost over and now we are trying to figure out what camps to put her in for the summer...the fun just keeps on going.

This n' That

So it has been awhile since I have written so this is just going to be random ramblings about all the happenings going on. Julie has been playing softball and riding horses and seems to be having a lot of fun. I cannot believe that she is almost done with kindergarten and will soon be a 1st grader, man does time fly. Both girls will be starting soccer in August so that should also be a lot of fun. Kaitlyn is getting better everyday and so very smart. I took her to a speech therapist the other day because sometimes she gets harder for me to understand. So during her evalutation her therapist said that she could benefit from speech therapy but thinks what is happening is that she is very smart because she makes much longer sentances then 4 yrs old do, so things get jumbled up and she switches some of her letters and leaves some of her sounds off of the end. She starts therapy on Monday. I am going away on a girls weekend for mothers day so I am looking forward to that and it will give daddy some bonding time with his girls. We have a busy busy week after that, 2 days in LA, then 3 days of camping......I am hardly going to be home....lol. Should be a lot of fun though.

I think 2 is it!

Okay so for about a year now I have wanted another baby. My husband on the other hand is not on board. I think this past week though I have changed my mind. Here are my reasons. 1st my birthday weekend in Vegas was the best weekend ever. My mom is an angel for keeping my girls for 3 days straight. If I had another child, I couldnt ask her to do that. I already felt guilty enough this time. Also as much as I love my girls, it is nice to get some away time, a new baby would change all that for a long time. I also like to have my girls be involved in activities. Right now Julie is in horseback riding and softball and Kaitlyn does gymnastics and swimming. In the summer they will both be in Soccer which is a lot of money and not to mention time. I see many of my friends with 3 kids and what a struggle it is. I also have 2 healthy girls and when we were in Vegas we saw so many sick and disabled kids. That would affect everyone especially my girls because it would be hard to focus on them anymore if you had a special needs child. My husband and I have talked about adoption and that isnt completly out of the question but I think for now we will stay a happy family of 4.

Change is sometimes bittersweet

I have come to a point in my life where there are some major things that need to change, but I have been unable to do so. How do you change things that you have done or experienced for as long as you can remember....I am talking 26+ years. I guess I have always to an extent in some parts of my life put others first and sometimes went above and beyond to make someone my friend or keep them as a friend. The older I get in that aspect though I realize that I am too damn old to play some childish games. Either you like me for who I am, or you dont. I no longer want to walk on egg shells around certain people. On the other hand, some change needs to happen to make my husband and my family happier, but once something is so ingrained in you, it is almost like second nature and at times, hard to realize just how bad it is. When I sit down to think about these things, I know they have to change but don't know where exactly to begin for success. Maybe I mean more like long term success, all I know is that I can't go on like I am for it will destroy me.

Okay so now for the bittersweet part. My babies are growing up. Last night we converted Kaitlyn's crib into a full sized bed and her mattress is being delivered today. How is it that my littlest girl is no longer so little. Gone are the days of the crib and as of today the toddler bed, and since my husband says that he is done having little ones(although I would like just one more), it is a sad goodbye to the baby days. My kids are growing up and sometimes it feels like they need me less and less. Yes, it is bittersweet. A necessary evil. Your goal as a mom is to raise kind, and caring children that can turn out to be wonderful people as they grow up, but at times it happens way to fast. I dont know what the next 5 yrs will hold for us, I would like to have a little one all over again, and maybe this time not be so rushed to have them hit the next stage. But as for now, I will try to stop time a little and savor more moments within the day, even those that may be hard, for I know all to soon I will look back and realize what a small blip in life that was and how truly fast it goes.

I can't believe it has been 6 yrs

At this time 6 yrs ago, my water had already broken and I was taking a shower and eating some cereal before heading off to the hospital. With nervous anticipation we headed to the hospital mid morning. By that eve, we had a beautiful baby girl that looked just like her daddy. Who would have known how much my life was going to change and all for the good. Looking back now it seems like it was just yesterday, but in truth it has been 6 yrs. I have a beautiful, smart, and caring kindergardner. She has taught me so much in life and she is such a blessing. I love you baby...happy birthday to my girl!!

Of Course

So we had a great time in Reno this weekend and as we were leaving, Kaitlyn came down sick. So it was good that we were heading home. Then on Monday, Julie started out with my horrible cough....I know she is miserable because I know that I was. All I was thinking was that she is the superstar in class this week and the whole week is about her and this comes up. So she went to school yesterday and then last night she came in crying that her head hurt so bad, she was burning up and feeling like crap. Uh oh....so this morning she had a 101.6 fever and looked horrible. I didnt want her to miss school due to her special week but I knew she needed to stay in bed. Bummer...now I only hope that she is better before her big birthday party this Sat....that would be horrible. Lets keep our fingers crossed.