Back to the real world

Well the in-laws left tonight, headed back to NY..good thing for them I guess since my father in law is sick, but sucky for me...it never seems like they stay quite long enough and it was a blessing they were here because they helped with the kids since I am getting over being sick and they kept me busy and my mind off of things so I didn't think about my grandma passing away as much. Then they left tonight and it was like all those emotions hit me hard, I cried they were leaving, I cried because my grandma was gone.....I just cried. I think now these next couple days will be hard that during the day it will once again just be me and the kids....

Tired today

So today is day 3 of my vigil at my grandmas bedside....I am TIRED, physically, emotionally...tired. I have been here since 10 am this morning and it is now 8 pm....I will be here for a few more hours before heading home and then back again early tomorrow...more family is here today. Tom has been here for the day, the kids were here all day with their cousin and a constant presence of a nurse since my grandma is no longer stable. She is now on O2 and seems to be comfortable as long as we keep up with the pain meds on a regular basis. We are just praying she will hold on until tomorrow. Her son and daughter from back east will be here by the afternoon. I am still not sure she will make it, but we will pray. She can no longer speak and has a buildup in her throat so she does a lot of gurgling, but her heart rate is still strong and her blood pressure is still up. So I am on my way back upstairs to sit a little longer.......

The shit is hitting the fan

Well I guess when it rains, it pours.....as you may or may not know my Grandmother is very ill and dying, so I have been at my moms holding a vigil and trying to help out the best that I can, since no other family is here to help out or is even on the way. The hospice nurse said that she probably had a few days to a week left....couple with that, my in laws are coming out on Thursday....and my house needs to be cleaned, we are having a birthday party for Kaitlyn on Sunday and nothing is ready for that, the cake is not ordered...nothing....then I wake up this morning and now I am sick...coming down with a cold or something, but I feel like crap....than Adam tells me he thinks he is getting sick too......does God have anything else he would like to add to my plate??

Anxiety and clutter make for a bad combo

So for those who have known me a while, you all know that I have anxiety....but some may not realize to what extent. Anyhow, some things it is minor, others huge. Well lets just say that my house and life also has clutter and those 2 things together can be a horrible combination. So I have been trying to de clutter and make room in my house and my life. I rearranged Kaitlyn's room, I have been trying just to get rid of things that I know have not been used in months, but it is hard to look at the big picture when there are so many little steps. Everything you read says just do a little at a time and break it into 15 minute clumps...it doesn't all need to get done at once, but for me 15 minutes makes me feel like it will never ever be finished and then comes the anxiety followed by the depression. Take today for example. I spent an hour and a half cleaning out the garage...filling up a whole garbage can and recycle bin, and making 3 large bags for donation. I look at what I have done and I think WOW....you did a lot(well when looking at a little picture). Then I look at the big picture and think, what a waste, this is never going to be finished and then it gets frustrating and upsetting and I just want to give up.....I guess it doesn't help that neither my husband or I are neat freaks. I have told my husband that we need to hire a professional organizer because I think that a lot of this stuff for it to get accomplished is beyond the 2 of us. He being an engineer thinks it is a waste of money to do that...so here I am back at square 1. I should be thrilled that the garage is coming together and Kaitlyns room looks great, but instead I am unhappy about how much more we have to go......