It finally clicked

I just want to warn you ahead of time, this is not a happy post...it is for the most part a sad one. As I was in Kaitlyn's room today painting her mural(yes, I know it has been 2 1/2 yrs and still not done...) it finally clicked what makes me shop and spend money that I don't really have. I was thinking that it stems from when I was younger....12-16. My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. As the years progressed and his health was failing....I knew it would be the end soon. I think watching that for 4 years made me fear death. I know I fear dying....I am afraid of dying and my kids never remembering who I am, of my husband being all alone. I worry about my husband dying, my kids getting a terminal disease...I know morbid right. I should not worry about something that may or may not happen and something that I cannot control. I know that I shop and buy things because I think, what if I die tomorrow....I would really like to have this....or maybe my kids will remember that I bought that special toy that they wanted. I am sorry about everyone that I have hurt doing that....for sometimes making my kids expect things.....for making my husband upset when the bills come in....for everything. It is also a stress reliever, a self-esteem boost.....like shopping therapy.

Now, I am slowly watching my Grandma fade away. It brings back flashbacks of my father dying and every time I see her, I wonder if it is going to be the last time. She has always been a pillar of strength....almost invincible. One of the strongest people I have ever known. Now she is frail, sickly, painful, and no longer the strong one. Everyday it gets a little worse. She can no longer make if up the stairs in my moms house to go to bed, so she sleeps in the den in the recliner. She has to be taken in a wheelchair a very small amount over to her house because she can in no way walk that far anymore.....and in the 4 weeks that this has started, everyday it gets so much worse. The worst part is we are leaving for Disney world in a week and a half. I am scared to death....you see more then not, loved ones have died when I am away from home and I dread getting that phone call that I have to come home.....

It is for sure better to give then recieve

It may have taken me 20 years to fully realize it, but I know above all that it is better to give then to receive. I try to help out whenever people need it, whether it be a friend, Julie's teacher, or a neighbor...a lot of people don't understand it....including at times my husband who I love dearly. Everyone always asks me, what are they going to do for you helping out...or what are you going to get in return?? Why is that always what people ask. I do those things for the good of doing the deed, not for what I may or may not get in return. Is it a selfless act? Yes, most of the time it gets unrecognized and unnoticed....it took me a very long time to realize that. Most of my life I have always wanted validation and praise for what I have done. I guess you could say that I have grown up. Today I did a very good deed. I had multiple bags of infant and toddler clothes that I have been slowly selling through craigslist and Ebay. Making some extra money, but I still had a lot left. I didn't realize until today, just how much I had. 10 large black outside garbage bags full...that is a lot. As I was packing it all up I was thinking...wow, I could make a lot of money off of this much...I mean in the $100's. Instead, I was packing it all up for a place that is called Twin Lakes Food Bank..it is a place where people can go that have nothing or very little...they can pick out a bag of clothes, they can get a toy for a child, they can receive groceries all free of charge. Somewhere they can get a leg up in this world. As I drove into the parking lot, I couldn't help but notice the people who volunteer to help and most of all, make someone Else's day...all without passing judgement. As I loaded all of my donation of clothes and a bassinet into carts, I saw people leaving with groceries....some who looked like they had not had a shower and clean clothes for awhile, others who were older and probably on a fixed income that was barely making it...who knows what the story is but I am sure they all had a different one to tell.
The one thing that I noticed was that everyone who was leaving with their cart of groceries had a huge smile on their face. It is then and there that I knew that I was doing the right thing....sure I could have made a lot of money off of it, but look at the many many people and kids that I helped. I also know that it is going to someone who truly needs them....so with a smile and a happy heart, I left feeling content knowing that I made someone Else's holidays just a little brighter and thankful that I can provide for my children and give them a happy holiday too....

How dare she

So I was at a very very good friends house last night babysitting her kids and mine were there playing for awhile to. When I heard from the playroom, the little girl tell Julie that her mom put some of the dress up clothes up in the closet so Julie couldn't put them on because she was to big for them...ok..I understand that. Julie doesn't really fit in the 6x dress up clothes anymore and she doesn't want them ripped. But that is not what pissed me off. As I was sitting there listening, I heard the girl tell Julie that she cant wear them because she is too fat and her mom said that it is because you(Julie) eat too many snacks and too much dinner.....DID I HEAR THIS RIGHT??? So I called Julie into the other room where I was and sent the little girl back in the playroom so that I could talk to Julie alone. I then asked her what was said...she told me and thank god she isn't at the age where it affects her yet...I was pissed and crying because I went through that crap at school when I was a kid and I don't want my child to have to go through that, and for a mom to tell her child that...no wonder kids are so mean. If there parents have no problem saying it, why should they. I then asked the girl to come out and tell me what she told Julie and she repeated the same thing again and then I asked her if her mom told her that and she said yes....this person is one of my very good friends and I am pissed. Now what do I do....after I got home from babysitting at like 1:45 in the morning, I could not sleep but just laid there and thought about it some more and got even more pissed.

Merry Christmas to me...

Well I guess when it rains it pours and also things happen in 3's. So off I went to the ER after my fall and 2 hrs later I returned with a cast and crutches and instructions to elevate and ice my foot before seeing an orthopedic doctor in a week or two. Not only did I break it, but the tendon in my foot pulled a piece of bone off. Just what I need. On crutches with 2 sick kids and I am not feeling that great tonight either....just my luck. I hope tomorrow will be better. Even better, I am supposed to be going to Florida to Disney World in a little over 3 weeks.

Lets add to my last one

How do you make a day like this even better....well lets just say, I was walking in the other room to call my husband because one of our friends kids had not been picked up from school and they couldnt find the parents and I tripped, my foot buckled and I fell face 1st on the floor. So now I am laying here unable to put any weight on my foot and waiting until my mom or Adam get here to take me to the hospital....I just pray that the kids stay asleep until then

When it rains, it pours

So today started off with Julie saying that she didn't feel good, but she has had a cough and a cold for about 2 weeks so I gave her some meds and sent her off to school only to have to pick her up early from school with a fever and a headache and saying that she feels really really sick. Then Kaitlyn has been crying for the last hour saying that her butt hurts since she has been so constipated that she has hemorrhoids on her bottom and still trying to poop. The doctor today gave us some medicine to start giving her which should help in about a week. She also looks like she is getting what Julie has so I think that it is just the start of what is to come. Also I discovered that she has ringworm on her leg...oh joy!! I think I am going to head to the Gym when Adam gets home tonight....LOL

What I wish people would understand

When I was diagnosed with Lupus about a year ago, I had no idea what path I was going to go down or how I would feel from day to day. I felt like I had a death sentence handed to me and I was not going to be able to watch my kids grow up. I know now that there are things that I can do to help myself and my disease. Also I know that the chance of me dying from Lupus is slim. The one thing that I wish people would understand is the symptoms that come with it. Looking back, I cant blame people because before I was diagnosed I was blind to what people are going through too. I always thought that it could not be that bad. I had a boss that had fibromyalgia and would have extreme fatigue to the point that she had to quit her job as a successful veterinarian to stay home and even then her husband had to do all of the domestic chores and feed the kids when he got home from a 12 hr day of work. I admit, I never understood and I guess until you live it, you can't. I just thought she was lazy and using it as an excuse. Boy am I so sorry. Along with Lupus comes chronic fatigue.....no one, not even my husband understands the way that I feel. Because of this I get pissed and defensive when someone complains that my house isn't clean, or I didn't get to something I said I would, or I wont go to the gym. It hurts. You think that I like feeling like this. Like I am inadequate, a horrible wife and mother and all while trying to fake it on the outside so no one will notice what it is really like for me. More days then not, I fight to stay awake while I am driving because I get so tired. I pray to god that me and my kids will get home safe. I pass up playing with my kids to lay on my bed and then am full of guilt for everything that I have missed and how they are missing out on their mom. There is no true way to explain what it is like being this tired unless you have lived it. I guess you could maybe say it is the kind of tired when you have a newborn, only it goes on forever and you never get caught up. I still don't think that quite is enough though. I would love to get help at home, like an organizer or cleaning person or something, but that costs money that we cant afford so I look around at all that has to be done and get even more overwhelmed. I am not writing this for pity, I am just writing this so that maybe when someone is cranky or rude or grumpy, maybe they are having a bad day or living with a condition that no one but them knows about. Now don't get me wrong, I have good days too...but I just wish people would understand how most days are.....

The spirit of Christmas

This is my favorite time of year. Ever since I was a kid, I loved Christmas and I still do. Now, I can also enjoy it through my kids eyes. From picking out and decorating the tree, putting decorations and lights in the yard and on the house and then tonight we tried Gingerbread houses. They had a blast and it is so fun to start new traditions with my famliy.

My husband is going to glue shoes on my foot

Okay so Adam wants me to wear shoes 24 hours a day...the thing is that I hate shoes.....I hate having them on and I would much rather be barefoot. Lets go back about 3 months ago. I was walking into the garage and ran into a metal dog crate with my toe...lets just say that my pinkie toe went one way and the rest of my foot went the other...so since it was a little one and there is not much they can do about it, I buddy taped it to the other toe which is what they say to do...well after 6 weeks, it still was not better so I went to urgent care where they said it was broken and just taking a long time to heal(no they did not take an x-ray like I wanted them to.) Well 2 weeks ago it was still hurting when I was walking...now it had been 3 months and my doctor sent me for an x ray and said that I had a poorly healed toe fracture, nothing much left to do except keep it taped for a month but it may hurt forever...great. Fast forward to Thanksgiving....I was trying to pull the turkey off the counter when I knocked the food shears off into my big toe.....well then I looked down and saw the blood seeping through my sock and it felt like I broke it....just what I needed. Well Dr Julie brought me a band aid and Adam applied pressure even though it wasn't that big of a hole...just hurt like h..l. Just what I needed, I already had one toe on the other foot taped up. So it kept me up at night for 2 nights and then it only hurt when I bent it towards my foot or touched it. This morning I woke up and my toe was swollen at least 2 times the normal size so I headed back to my doctors...she asked if I cleaned it when it happened and I laughed and said I am a mom and I needed to get the turkey on, plus it was a small injury and it went through my sock so I wasn't worried about it...well it turns out she doesn't think it is broken, but the point of the scissors lacerated my medial tendon in my toe and has since started to get infected and that along with the swelling from the tendon has caused a lot of swelling in my toe....so I am now on Antibiotics and if it gets worse in the next 3 days then I need to go back and maybe have it drained....for now I am to take my meds, some Motrin and rest and elevate it as much as possible.....haha...with a 2 and 4 yr old...good luck.

As I give thanks.....

On the eve of Thanksgiving, it is a day to think about all of the things I have to give thanks for. I am very blessed in my life.

I give thanks for my husband who is above all the best father and husband in the world.
I give thanks that I have 2 beautiful healthy daughters
I give thanks for the beautiful home that I am fortunate enough to live in
I give thanks for the food that we have to nourish us
I give thanks for my mother who is my best friend, confidant, and biggest fan
I give thank for dear friends
I give thanks that even during tough times, my business remains strong

Now the only thing is, how do you teach a 4 yr old....Julie said yesterday to me that she only gives thanks for one thing..."SANTA"

For the love of 4 yr olds.....

Okay well all I can say is that I am so tired of cleaning balls......

Okay get your mind out of the gutter. I mean little tiny bead balls that they stuff things with....Julie and her friend broke open this huge 4 ft dolphin and all the balls spilled out and then Julie thought it would be funny to make it look like it was snowing all over her room. Well about 2 hrs after I started to vacuum I think they were all gone. Then I get home last night and my husband tells me to come into Julie's room. While I was gone, the kids got a pair of scissors and Kaitlyn decided to cut up a neck pillow that had even littler balls in it, the went everywhere and stuck to everything....Julie was hiding under her covers and was quick to point out that Kaitlyn did it and when I asked Kaitlyn if she made the mess, she proudly said YES!!
So this morning I was at Gymnastics with Kaitlyn and I kept looking at her because her hair looked different. I couldn't quite place it, then it hit me...her bangs had been cut....it looked like she just had a horrible bang trim....and I asked her if she got her hair cut and she told me "Yes, Julie did it!"

Okay so I am addicted

So I admit it, I said I would never ever have my child play such a boring sport as soccer. The only thing is that when it is your child, it isn't boring, it is a blast and so exciting. I am a true soccer mom, so much so that my throat hurts after the game from yelling so much. Do I love it!!!The first game was last week and Julie got a patch for best goalie and today she scored her very 1st goal!!!!! I am SO PROUD.

Sept 11th...

I know what you are probably thinking that here is another story about 9/11...well yes and no. Sept 11th is bittersweet for me. I still remember when and what I was doing that morning when a friend called us very early to tell us to turn on the TV...then I remember being glued to the radio all day at work, as the whole nation stood still and know one knew what to do. This day is also the 3 year anniversary of when I had my miscarriage. I wish that it had not happened on 9/11 and on some other random day because then I know that I would forget the date when it happened but because the date was already significant, I can't. So I morn for the child that I lost that I will never know except in my heart. For the little baby who just couldn't hold on for some reason or another. Some of you might say that you shouldn't think about it anymore because it has been 3 years, but for anyone who has ever carried a child will know that you cant just forget. So I morn, I morn for all of those lost on Sept 11th at the Trade Center and all of the people affected by it, I morn for the little one that I lost, and I morn for all the others who have a hard time on this day.

On the other side of this equation I look at my 2 beautiful girls and think how lucky I am to have them. Also if I hadn't lost that baby, I wouldn't have Kaitlyn who I cant imagine life without. A lot of people try for years to have a child and it never happens, yet I have two healthy girls. My oldest is becoming such a big girl. Last Sunday I did a walk to cure kids cancer at Six Flags in Vallejo. I tried to convince friends and family to walk with me, but no one would complaining that it was to early or they would be too tired because it is Sunday. ARE YOU KIDDING ME...get off your high horse and think about all of the kids affected and families of the sick children. Why don't you tell them that it was to far to go...anyhow out of the blue, my little Angel Julie said, "I will go with you mom because I don't want you to have to walk alone"...I told her that we would have to be out of the house by 5:30 am and she told me that was okay she could go back to sleep on the car ride. I was so happy that in that fact she is becoming just like me. Feeling the true meaning of helping others even if it means being a little inconvenienced. Let me tell you, she got payed back tenfold. Since it was mostly adults walking, all the characters came out before and hung out, so she basically had unlimited access to all without having to compete with others, she danced with them, took pictures and had fun with all of them for about an hour. Then at the end she got to meet Candace Cameron from Full House(DJ Tanner) and although she didn't know who she was, she thought it was cool to take a picture with a "movie star". My heart felt great to know that my little girl had a great time while doing a great thing. Last but not least, it is a special day because it is my sister-in-laws birthday!!! Happy happy birthday, wish we were there!!

While we are on the topic already..

So to make our whole injury week even worse after our bee sting on Wed, Kaitlyn now has a bad infection in her leg. She has just kept getting scraps and cuts on her poor knees and the other day she got her knee and top of her ankle/foot at the same time. Yesterday I noticed a red rash like ring around both areas. This morning it was much bigger and her whole leg was swollen. So thankfully our doctor works on the weekend so off we went...now we are on a strong antibiotic that we were told tastes nasty...yeah that should be fun to give her tonight.

On a good note though, I think our two year old is a genius. We were sitting and eating dinner the other night and Julie was getting in trouble for something and so I started to count to 3...well I said 1, then Kaitlyn said 2,3,4,5. I think that I almost fell off my chair. I would have never guessed that she could do that. So I tried to go more and she can count to 10 all by herself...wow!!

I don't know who it hurts more..

So we decided today to take a day trip to the San Francisco Zoo...I know some say I am crazy especially since we had to be home by 5:30 to get ready for soccer and it is about a 3 hr drive. So we arrived a little after 11 which meant that we had a little over 3 hours before we had to head home. I know you think I am crazy too, but I have always wanted to go and I can convince no one to go with me so I said what the h..l. The kids were having a lot of fun, but in between the children's zoo and eating lunch and seeing a few birds we didn't have time for much else....So as we were just seeing some of the bears, Julie said that she once again had to go potty and she really had to go. So I put her in the stroller, Kaitlyn on my shoulders and there I was trying to run to the potty while pushing a 4 yr old in a stroller trying to push it with one hand and trying to hold onto Kaitlyn so that she didn't fall off my shoulders....thankfully we made it and I am sure all that saw me had a good laugh. So we were leaving the bathroom and walking to our next animal and Kaitlyn was being a typical 2 yr old, meandering behind us, picking flowers, touching everything, so I turned around to tell her to hurry up and she was grabbing a line divider poll. She all of a sudden gets a scared look on her face and keeps freaking out and then she starts screaming. I thought that she got her finger pinched in the roll up divider thing. But this was a cry much worse then that. So I ran over to her and looked at her finger only to find a stinger from a bee....all I can think of is she touched a bee on the pole and it stung her. Well I have never been stung, but those who have said it hurts like hell for like 2 hours. The people working in the restaurant brought us some ice which she let me put on it for like a minute. She was just screaming and crying and nothing I could do could comfort her. Poor Julie was so worried about her little sister and kept checking on her. Then she told me that she thinks that we should go home now. OF course we were on the far end of the zoo and had a long way to walk to the front. I was carrying a screaming toddler that kept saying boo boo and holding her hand since she got stung in the thumb and crying, I was trying to also push the stroller and help Julie. I got the stinger out but she was still screaming. So I called Adam and had him look online to see what to do. It said that it will hurt for at least 2 hrs and to put Ice(yeah right) so that it will keep swelling down and help with pain and to give Motrin. So I gave her Motrin and a double dose of Tylenol and was prepared for a very long car ride home, with a painful screaming toddler. I think it hurt me almost as bad as her. To have your child cry and know that there is nothing that you can do to make things better, it makes your heart hurt, you wish that you could just take the pain away somehow....She finally cried herself to sleep after about 30 minutes, only to wake up halfway through the ride home, crying and saying boo boo and holding her hand. Her hand was swollen and painful and thankfully she fell back asleep. Hopefully she wont have horrible memories of the zoo and we will be going back soon so that we can see the whole thing this time.

Do you believe???

Let me say that I have always been on the fence about all natural medicine and homeopathic fixes...I believe that in some cases it has sucess but in the back of my mind I also think that we have prescription drugs because the stuff in nature didnt work. So I guess I say that my thinking isif you combine it with a prescription maybe it will improve things yes, but on its own...I am not quite sure. Except for today when a miracle happend before my eyes and it was all in part to a homeopathic remedy....let me explain.

I was at a new clients house do a consult for pet sitting and we were going outside to look at the plants that needed taking care of also(she is a landscape designer). Well as we opened the door she became very upset because a small hummingbird had run into the plate glass window of her bonus house/room and was lying on the ground. We went out to see it and it was on deaths door. Being a vet tech, I didnt want to say it but the bird had no chance. It was laying on its side, eyes closed, beak flat against the ground, struggling for its last breath of life. It was very sad and we were both upset. She has put decals up on the window to try and deter the birds but she said it still happens. She was thinking what to do because she didnt want to leave it there and have her cat get it....the only good thing was that it looked like it had been knocked out so it probably no longer felt the pain...she then told me that she has some homeopathic medicine that she has used before and although she didn't think it was going to work on this bird because of the state he was in, she has seen birds get up and fly away before after receiving this...in the back of my mind ?I was thinking yeah right.....no way, and especially not on this bird. So she ran inside and came back outside with what looked like an eye drop bottle. She placed a small drop on the birds beak and then a few small drops on his back. Within seconds, he jumped up and fluttered a few steps and then sat on the ground....it was dazed but up....I couldn't believe it. Now I was thinking no what the heck are we going to do with a broken bird who cant fly and it we leave him here he will surely get eaten by the cats. He looked at us and he was so beautiful. Well we went along to leave the little bird to rest and check out the plants. When we came back about 5 minutes later he was still sitting in the same place. So we went closer and stood by him and talked to him...before we knew it, he took off flying over the roof and back to wherever like nothing had ever happened to him before...I asked her what she gave him and it was some drop made for animals that is used for trauma....WOW. I believe....

Different from the start, even in utero

As we make our way back across the united states from New York to California, I cant wait until we get home. Not for the reasons that you may think though. Lets go back to the beginning. When I was pregnant with my first, she was very mellow even in the womb. There were times I didn’t feel her move or kick all day and I would get worried and then have to drink some juice and do kick counts to make sure all is well. After she was born, she was the easiest, most mellow tempered baby and child. Everyone would remark how good she was sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old. Accepting everything with ease. To this day she is still very mellow and easy going except for the typical 4 yr old things. We could take her anywhere and not have to worry…restaurants, long car trips, airplanes and know that we would never have a problem…….
Let’s jump to number 2…..I started to feel her kick in the womb at 11 weeks(really early) and she never ever stopped kicking or moving. I swore up until my ultrasound that she was a boy because how dramatically different this baby was. My doctor would just keep telling me that it was just a different personality….but I wasn’t convinced. Now I must say to Dr Burke….you were right on the money. She is very high spirited, easy to anger, stubborn, and if she doesn’t get what she wants or thinks she deserves watch out. There are no tricks to help with her either.
So lets get back to our plane adventure that we are currently on. We left Ny around 1pm for our first leg of the flight which was an hour and 45 minutes. Let me say now that I am so very sorry to the people who were in front of us…if she wasn’t karate kicking the seats she was yelling no and getting angry that I was holding her legs….then when drinks came she decided that it would be fun to use her small straw to blow apple juice all over the back of the seats and I hope not on the people in front of us. We tried everything from our arsenal of snacks, food, drinks, colors…to no avail. It was one of those flights that before I had kids, I would have said, why cant those people control that little brat….lol. Let s just say we were so thankful to land at Atlanta Airport where we stopped at Fridays for a bite to eat….at this point she was trying to lay on the table, sit on the table, crawl over the table, throw all of the sweetener at people, crawl and lay under the table…well I think you get the picture. Needless to say she didn’t eat much so of course when we got on the plane, she was still hungry…we had a 3 hr layover in Atlanta so we decided to let the kids run like crazy up and down the airport to tire them out even though they were already exhausted. So we board the plane to Sacramento and I am sure that Kaitlyn(the 2 yr old) is going to fall asleep at any second….but oh no. For the next 2 hrs she screamed, kicked(thank god we put dad in front of her this time), cried, threw things, and just caused a ruckus. She wanted her window shade up, then down, then up….she wanted the earphones on and off and on and off….she wanted some of the cheese and fruit we bought but only on her terms. She was mad that her sister fell asleep leaning against the side of her car seat….and then about 20 minutes ago finally…peace…her eyes are closed and she is finally sound asleep. I thought that it would never ever come. Only another 2 hours to go until we land..lets hope that everyone stays fast asleep.

I need am going to need a vacation from my vacation...

So we are in the middle of our 8 day vacation to New York to visit the in-laws, attend my husbands cousins wedding, and go to a baby naming ceremony for my niece. Boy am I tired, and the worst part of that is my in-laws have been doing most of the running around with the kids...which has been a godsend for me. It is not that I am not having fun, it is just that our days have been very full of things to do. My husband told me today that he has been to more Jewish celebrations this week since before we got married. (which has been 6 years). I love seeing my nieces since we mostly see them through pictures only since we live on different coasts. Also I have to say that I have seen the wonderful girl that my older daughter has become. I can't believe that she sat through a whole ceremony at the temple and a baby naming with no complaints or problems. I even asked her if she wanted to go out with the younger kids, she said no. She sat there for 2 hours as good as can be. By the end of the ceremony, she was the only child still there, so the rabbi came by and gave her a special candy. Then today we attended a wedding which was very long and hot and my younger one was all over the place, in fact I had to miss the ceremony because she wouldn't be quiet. But my 4 year old sat there as good as can be, like a little grown up. She danced and played and ate and behaved herself. My husband and I left early because my 2 year old needed a nap, but she wanted to stay behind. Everyone said how good she was, dancing and being polite and enjoying the wedding with all of her heart. It makes you proud as a mom to hear that and realize that although there has been some very hard times, it is all worth it and I did things right with my little princess. If she can go out with others around and have compliments about how good she is, then I am proud. She is growing up to fast....as I look back and everything has went by so fast. She goes to school, she is an excellent swimmer and an even better horseback rider. She no longer needs her mom as much as she did, she is growing up and branching out in this world....she is only 4, but man am I proud of her. Tired, but proud!!

Garlic Festival or Bust....plus Kailtyn's 2nd birthday

Wow has it been a busy two weeks. We finally made it to the Gilroy Garlic Festival which I have always wanted to go to...well let me tell you it was such a disappointment and I didnt even get to taste the one thing that I have always wanted to try when I got there. Lets just say it should have been called the Festival of Lines...because that is all we did...we left after only 45 minutes. The bad part is we waited in line on the freeway to get in for 2 1/2 hours in which time we only had to go 2 miles.....waste, and the line was so long for the ice cream it would have been another 2 hrs just for a taste. I think if you ask Julie the only good thing about it was that now instead of throw a ping pong ball and when a goldfish, you win a hermit crab which she did and brought home and added it to her zoo.....

My little girl also turned 2, I can't believe how fast the girls are growing up. It seems like I blink and they have gotten much bigger. Julie is such a talker and very smart. She has very intelligent conversations for her age and Kaitlyn is a handful, very independent and stubborn...but sweet too. She had a great time at her party which we had at a small lake by our house with our family and a few close friends. She went for her 2 yr check up and she was 28lbs and 35 1/2 inches.....she is very tall for her age.

Enough is enough!

This is getting crazy....today I went to the gas station at Safeway on the way to pick Julie up from school...now they have this new crazy rule at the pumps that you can only pump a max of $75 or $100 depending on what credit card you are using and if you want to pump more then you have to go inside....why they did this, I have no idea. Maybe to piss us moms off who don't want to take the effort to go inside because we have little ones in the car. So that made me a little mad...but the worst part is that as I was pumping my gas, the pump suddenly shuts off because I have reached their pump max and the bad thing is that my tank wasn't even full. Now it wasn't like I was using the super premium gas, just plain old regular....if things continue this way, nobody is going to be able to go anywhere....we need to find a solution and fast. At this rate, I don't know how much longer all my hard work of my business can survive. Pretty soon due to gas prices, my prices will have to be so high, no one will be able to afford it anymore. On the flip side when it is 106 outside and the air quality is the worst I have ever seen it(due to the hundreds of fires burning in California...in purple to be honest something like an AQI of 276(I didn't even know they had a purple) we have been staying inside, which makes for a crazy house with 2 stir crazy kids.

If nothing else, at least she is honest

So I got a big slap in the face today from my 4 yr old. We were sitting in the living room watching TV and a Nutrisystem commercial comes on tv. As my 4 yr old intensely watches she turns to me and says "Mom, why don't you get that..it can make you lose weight"..."you want to lose weight, right?" So I ask her why did she say that and she says to me because you are fat mommy and you need to lose weight so why don't you go and buy that.....

Who the heck is MURPHY???

So I don't know who this Murphy character is or how he even got his name, but I do know that I HATE him....let me explain...yesterday I went to my 3 month rheumotology appt that I have every 3 months. We were talking about how great I was doing and how if I would have asked him 6 months ago where I would be, he would have never thought I would be doing this good. We even talked about in 3 months to start weaning me off all of my meds....yeah!!! Fast forward to this morning. I woke up and I noticed some aching in my wrists but I thought well maybe I slept wrong. Until the morning progressed along with the pain...(you have got to be kidding me). Did I jinx this because yesterday I was talking about how things have been great for 3 months with no pain issues...and this is Murphy's way of getting back to me. My Dr said that my body had probably self corrected itself and put me into remission....he also said that my case will never be black and white...since there are so many over laps of the diseases...he thinks he is leaning more to arthritis...but it still could be lupus....anyhow I don't mean to complain, but man this sucks...

On the upside I had a beautiful niece come into this world the other day and I cant wait to meet her in August...congrats east coast family!!

It's been a while

Well, I noticed that I haven't written in a long time, so I guess it is time...this will probably be all about random useless things today but just something to get it off my mind and let everyone know what is going on in my life. Well 1st and foremost we decided to turn our unused hot tub into a koi pond(something that my husband and I have talked about building for a long time)...it is very relaxing to stand out there and watch the fish....but I also want them to become tame and become the kind that will come up and eat out of your hand etc...so I guess in that instance they are teaching me to be patient. I feed them and then stand there for an hour waiting for them to come up and eat and realize that I bring food and I am not a predator....so I wait and I wait....I will let you know how that goes.

We also just returned from a family vacation to Galveston, Texas. We went to the water park, beach, Moody Gardens, boardwalk and just relaxed. I think the most daring part of the trip is m husband took my almost 2 yr old on all of the big water slides.....I was scared to death but she seemed to love it. My 4 year old will go on them all day if we let her, but my 2 year old is defiantly not a risk taker like my 4 yr old. All in all we had a good time and we are now home to return to our normal routine. My 4 yr old also had her end of the year school party yesterday. Now she is off to pre-k. I can't believe how fast she is growing up. It seems like the days go slow but the months go so fast. Before I know it they will both be all grown up.

Now I just have to vent about something...I wont mention any names, but why does it always seem like the best laid plans always get messed up and when you are looking forward to something, someone finds a way to change it and mess everything up. I know I shouldn't complain but I have a certain person who is supposed to be related to me, but I have tried to make every effort to show my love and become close with no return. I guess more then anything it is frustrating and upsetting. I try not to let it bother me, but then out of the blue she comes along and upsets all of the plans everyone else has...I know that in truth it is not really her fault, but I think it bothers me the most because so many other people dote over her and change the things that are going to happen because she shows up and then their is me, who I believe she could care less that I am around and want to care...anyhow probably no one will understand this last section but I needed to get it off my chest anyhow.

Good news....and well who knows

So I went for a biopsy on Wed for a lump that I have had for about 6 months that has been painful and they were not sure what it was...So yesterday when I went to the Dr's for my EKG they gave me the results of the biopsy...NORMAL..nothing to worry about...great news right....well then I had my EKG done.....they told me that while it is within the normal limits, it had a lot of artifacts in it so they are going to send me to a cardiology group to have a treadmill test. I asked them if they ever gave me good news anymore?? I guess on the other hand I have been feeling well, except for being a little tired but with 2 little ones what can you expect. I am thinking about getting a second opinion on my lupus because I don't have that many of the symptoms that they say are involved with it...maybe I just don't want to believe it but I have been doing well, and what does it hurt to exhaust all of your options..right???

My Birthday

Tomorrow I turn 29...I can't believe it. As I look back at my 29 years of life, I think of all of the things I am thankful for and blessed to have. To start I have two wonderful, beautiful daughters who are the love of my life. I have a great husband who loves me even though I may have many shortcomings. I have a wonderful mom, who is my rock....the one that I look up to and strive to be like. She is one of my best friends. I have a Grandma who I am lucky to still have around me. I have some wonderful in-laws who love my family with all of their heart. While I don't have a lot of friends, the ones that I do have are near and dear to me and I know will be there for me should I need it. I have also had the same best friend since I was 12 and even though we may be far apart right now, we love each other the same as we always have.

Sometimes I worry because my house is a disaster zone, and maybe I am not the most organized person in the world. I could stand to lose a few pounds, mellow out at times, and most of all just smell the roses and enjoy life like my children do. I think as adults we tend to forget what is really important. One day, my house will be clean again when all of the kids are at school and I will look around and realize how empty and quiet it is and wish that I had those days back that I may have had a messy house, but I also had two wonderful girls around to keep me company.....

Definition of Lupus

A lot of you have asked me what exactly is Lupus....since I am not good at explaining it...here is a brief overview of the disease. I hope this helps.

Lupus: A chronic inflammatory condition caused by an autoimmune disease. An autoimmune disease occurs when the body's tissues are attacked by its own immune system. Patients with lupus have unusual antibodies in their blood that are targeted against their own body tissues.
Lupus can cause disease of the skin, heart, lungs, kidneys, joints, and nervous system. When only the skin is involved, the condition is called discoid lupus. When internal organs are involved, the condition is called systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE). Up to 10% of persons with discoid lupus (lupus limited to the skin) eventually develop the systemic form of lupus (SLE).
SLE is eight times more common in women than men. The causes of SLE are unknown. However, heredity, viruses, ultraviolet light, and drugs may all play a role.
Eleven criteria have been established for the diagnosis of SLE:
Malar (over the cheeks of the face) "butterfly" rash
Discoid skin rash: patchy redness that can cause scarring
Photosensitivity: skin rash in reaction to sunlight exposure
Mucus membrane ulcers: ulceration of the lining of the mouth, nose or throat
Arthritis: 2 or more swollen, tender joints of the extremities
Pleuritis/pericarditis: inflammation of the lining tissue around the heart or lungs, usually associated with chest pain with breathing
Kidney abnormalities: abnormal amounts of urine protein or cellular elements
Brain irritation: manifested by seizures (convulsions) and/or psychosis
Blood count abnormalities: low counts of white or red blood cells, or platelets
Immunologic disorder: abnormal immune tests include anti-DNA or anti-Sm (Smith) antibodies, falsely positive blood test for syphilis, anticardiolipin antibodies, lupus anticoagulant, or positive LE prep test
Antinuclear antibody: positive ANA antibody testing
The treatment of SLE is directed toward decreasing inflammation and/or the level of autoimmune activity. Persons with SLE can help prevent "flares" of disease by avoiding sun exposure and by not abruptly discontinuing medications.

The diagnosis is in...now what

So since I already have a blog dedicated to my kids and my weight loss, I decided to write one dedicated to me and my feelings and health. Feel free to read it or not....it is a place that I can find solace and write my feelings and worries and where family far away can find out how I am without having to ask all the time, or better yet not get mad at me for not telling them what is going on.

So yesterday I had my 2 month appt with the Rhemotoligist and he said that I am doing remarkably better then he ever expected which is great news. On the flip side of that, he has now diagnosed me with Lupus and Chronic Fatigue syndrome which is the bad news. Before he was thinking Rhematoid arthritis which was the better of the two to have but now it is the worse one. Although I am doing well with this at the present time it is just a matter of time until another flare up. Then I wonder about all the scary things that no one wants to think about...Will I live long enough to see my children grow up, am I going to have major health problems from this....what is the long term prognosis?? Many many years ago when Lupus was diagnosed people died within 3 months....mostly because they took a very very long time to come to a diagnosis. Now with the advance in medicine they say people can live a normal and full life....but what if I am not one of those lucky ones. I now have an extremley increased risk by 70-80% of Coronary artery disease and heartattack not to mention the other bad things that can go along with the disease....kindey problems, blood transfusions, blood clotting problems...should I go on or do you get the picture. As if my depression wasnt already bad at times, now I have this to worry about. My next issue, I have this thing in my side that has been causing me pain, a lump that can be felt...they have done an ultrasound and found nothing which origianlly they were thinking it was a hernia..now they are worried that is something more serious so they want to get the ball rolling asap in case it needs to be removed quickly...so they next step is a needle biopsy and then maybe an open surgical biopsy....do I really need this at a time like this??? So as if you can't tell, today is a depressing day for me...as I sit here and contemplate my life and what I have done, I realize that their is still so much I want to do. I look at my kids beautiful face and wonder if I will see them grow up and graduate from school, get married, or even have kids. I lay down at night with my husband and study his face wondering if it will be the last time that I will see it clearly.

I guess I try to find comfort in the family and close friends that I have, and the fact that I have two beautiful and healthy daughters who have no idea that mommy has anything wrong with her. So for now, I am going to look at each day in a new light and enjoy my kids so much more and not worry so much about the small things...because you never know when it all might be gone.