Not what I wanted to hear

Well I went to my Orthopedist appt today...it will be 2 long months since my injury on the 11th....I was expecting good news since I thought things were going great. Still have pain in my kneecap but my mcl feels tight so I thought it was healed. After the Dr checked me out, she said my MCL is healing but still not completely healed but she is 99% positive that I am going to have to have a knee scope surgery. Because of the damage I did when my kneecap got dislocated there is now a lot of rough bone inside causing problems so they need to go in and clean that out and more the likely cut the ligaments on one side of my knee to tighten the other side up...the bad part is that once they do this, I am always going to have problems in the long run because there will be no more cartilage left do it will be bone on bone which means a life time of joint stress and pain. Down time about a month after surgery...I go to see the surgeon on the 11th of October. Now I am thinking about what I am going to do with the kids. If I am going to be off my feet for a month I am going to need help around the house for at least 3 weeks. I didn't want to have surgery....I thought things were going well. So I cried and cried on the way home...depressed and upset. Then I had to suck it up and be happy and not sad again in time to pick up the girls...I guess life goes on....

Just an FYI, I wish we could erase Sept 11th from the calander...not a good day for me. That was the date of my miscarriage, that will be 2 months since this horrible knee injury and then of course Sept 11th in NYC....not a good one for me...

Thought I was ready, but not so sure

Tomorrow is the big day. Julie starts 1st grade which also means that she now goes all day long. I can't believe that it is already here. It doesnt seem like that long ago that I gave birth to her, dropped her off for her 1st day of preschool or even left her with someone for the 1st time. Where did all the time go? I was so excited for her to go all day long, but now I am sad. That is a long time every day to be away from her when for 6 yrs she has been with me more of the day then not, but now it is all going to change....then I think not to long until Kailtyn is off all day and I will be alone all day in the house...I am so not ready for that one...I wish I had a button to slow down the time for a little bit.

On the other hand, we met her teacher today who seems very very nice and we saw her desk with her name on it and her classroom and she saw that some of the kids from her class last year are in her same class this year so she was excited about that. I think she is now less nervous to go tomorrow because she got a sneek peek of what it is going to be.

3 down and hopefully only 3 more long ones to go..plus other ramblings

Today is 3 weeks since my leg injury and I can't believe that I still have at least 3 more weeks to go. The pain is better, but has been keeping me up at night and now I have pain in my kneecap on and off which makes the injury more painful at times. I go back to the drs on Thursday so hopefully I will get some better news about the healing and hopefully still on the no surgery route. Lets keep our fingers crossed and I keep praying that things are improving.

As for the other ramblings I was once again in church today as Julie concluded her week long Vacation Bible School by singing 2 songs in church today. It felt good to be back in church and it was a great sermon, one that I really needed to hear. It was also great to have family and friends around to support and encourage.

Tomorrow the girls start soccer camp in the morning and then begins soccer practice in the eve. Kaitlyn has practice on M and W and Julie on Tue and Thur...it is going to be busy nights and some very tired little girls and then to top it all off....Julie begins 1st grade next week. I cannot believe how fast my little baby is growing up. Sometimes it is way too quick......

If you believe it will give you chills

So some of you may or may not believe in this kind of stuff, but for me I do. Ever since my Grandpa died many many years ago all of our family would find random pennies around....even places that we had just been in our house or such, that we knew he was thinking about us and near us. It has been going on for years. When my grandma was dying and in her final last days and no longer communicating with us, my mom was talking to her and made a joke that when she(my grandma) finally passes away, she better send us Quarters instead of a tiny penny and we all laughed about it, but who knows if my grandma even knew we were there at that point. Well not long after she passed, my uncle who does not believe in this stuff, walked out of his building at work and on a tree planter right in front of him, lay a penny and a quarter. To us a sign that my grandma and grandpa were back together again, and they knew to go to the non believer 1st. I think in a way, it made him believe. Then lets jump to today. Julie has been going to a Vacation Bible School at the Lutheran Church close to our house and loving every minute of it. When my grandma was alive she would always get on me about the kids and learning about god and being baptised and all that. I never did any of it because my husband is Jewish and we agreed that we will allow our children to choose the religion they would like when they get older. Anyhow, back to camp. This week my mom and I have said how proud grandma would be about Julie going to this camp and today Julie got in the car and said to me, "Mom, we went outside to do an activity today and then when we came back inside to our seats, there was a quarter where I was sitting...." , okay so I got chills and said do you know who that is from and she said, "Big MAMA, leaves quarters", then she goes onto tell me that they went into another room for snack and she sat down and right beside her sat 2 pennies..." , okay now I was crying....a sign that my grandma and grandpa are right there with her and I am sure grandma aka BIG MAMA is beaming with pride.

Two weeks in

Well I have made it 2 weeks with my injury...and every day I think it gets a tiny bit better and then the next I will have a step back so I guess you could say two steps forward and one step back. Went to see the orthopedist last week and although I did a heck of a job injuring my leg...tore my MCL and the ligaments holding the left side of my knee cap, at this time it doesnt look like I need surgery to repair that part of the equation. They say that it should form scar tissue and begin to heal but it will take 6-8wks. That is the part that is killing me. After it is healed they may have to go into my knee and tighten the ligaments on one side and loosen them on the other but they wont know that until after. Hopefully my kneecap will go back to its rightful place. I guess it didnt like being dislocated....

So I am getting around in a huge, hot knee brace and a crutch and that is the depressing part....I want to be able to get down and play with my kids, not lay in bed and rest my leg...I know in the big picture it is a short time, but from where I am now, 6 weeks seems like forever.

Dont need to say much in this one

Torn MCL along with several other ligaments...dislocated kneecap, will continue to swell until fixed due to the constant trauma of knee floating. Great....going to require surgery and at least 12 week recovery.....now I am really depressed.....but what can I do...

Pain, pain, and more pain

Let me start off by saying I have a whole lot in my life to be thankful for and enjoy. That being said,I think this leg injury may just kill me. Short of the time when I broke my back. This is constant pain 24/7. Nothing helps just maybe takes the edge off. I am beyond miserable. I cannot move without pain. My leg and ankle and foot is so swollen it hurts. If I move the wrong way, my kneecap slips out of the socket and that is a whole different kind of pain. IT will be a week tomorrow and I guess I expected some sort of relief.....it takes me almost 5 minutes to get from my bed to the bathroom in my bedroom.....I dont know what I am looking for here.....but someone throw me a bone.

Feeling sad and lost

I know we all have times when sometimes life feels like it sucks....now dont get me wrong. I love my family and I am a very blessed person. On the flipside of that story, I have a huge amount of regrets in my life and they just wear on me and drag me down. My house seems to always be in a state of chaos....it bothers me and depresses me which causes an endless circle. A lot of the time, I have no motivation to do anything about it because in less then 10 minutes it will be back where it started. Not a good way to be that is for sure. Also my husband is great with money, me not so much. I like to shop and there are times I buy things that may not be needed but then I expect money to be there for projects and trips and such....then it isnt which is all my fault. That also wears on me more then anyone can imagine. For my sanitiy IT needs to change. I feel that because of all this, it adds more stress which doesnt make me a very good mother or wife....I wish I could snap my fingers and the people from clean house could come and make it all go away. To me, I look at the big picture and all I see in front of me is a huge mountain that I cannot climb, so why even try. I can't look at the small one because the big one is too monumental in size. Here lies the problem, change......it has to happen now....but how to start without getting overwhelmed and wanting to quit. We will see where this road leads in the coming weeks. Maybe having it all out in the open is my first huge step to sucess.

Oh man, do I need a nap and a drink

Today was CRAZY....crazy busy. I got home for the first time at 3:30 after leaving at 8:30 and it has been non stop go ever since. Let see here is how my day went.

9:00 Swim lessons for Kaitlyn
10:25 pick up Julie from school
11:45 Kaitlyn appt with GI dr, who was running 45 minutes late so we had to hurry since we were 45 minutes away from
1:30 Kaitlyn speech therapy
2:30 Julie Riding lesson

so now I am home and my day continues

3:45 Girls in bath getting hair washed
4:15? Drain backyard pond and collect fish to give away
6:00 meet lady with Koi to give to her
6:30 Dinner at Red Hawk....

I am already so tired.....

So to update everything Kaitlyn is going to be flushed out again since her belly is distended and she needs to poop(mom and dad have sucked at giving her meds lately, so we have to back track). Then we are going to start her back on daily laxatives. Meanwhile, I have to take her to the lab for blood work(so not looking forward to that) because her belly has so much distention that her Dr wants to make sure it is not Celiac disease and she also wants to check her Thyroid. She started her 1st session with the speech therapist now that all the testing is done and hopefully that will go well. She is also in swim class and doing great.

As for Julie, school is almost over and now we are trying to figure out what camps to put her in for the summer...the fun just keeps on going.

This n' That

So it has been awhile since I have written so this is just going to be random ramblings about all the happenings going on. Julie has been playing softball and riding horses and seems to be having a lot of fun. I cannot believe that she is almost done with kindergarten and will soon be a 1st grader, man does time fly. Both girls will be starting soccer in August so that should also be a lot of fun. Kaitlyn is getting better everyday and so very smart. I took her to a speech therapist the other day because sometimes she gets harder for me to understand. So during her evalutation her therapist said that she could benefit from speech therapy but thinks what is happening is that she is very smart because she makes much longer sentances then 4 yrs old do, so things get jumbled up and she switches some of her letters and leaves some of her sounds off of the end. She starts therapy on Monday. I am going away on a girls weekend for mothers day so I am looking forward to that and it will give daddy some bonding time with his girls. We have a busy busy week after that, 2 days in LA, then 3 days of camping......I am hardly going to be home....lol. Should be a lot of fun though.

I think 2 is it!

Okay so for about a year now I have wanted another baby. My husband on the other hand is not on board. I think this past week though I have changed my mind. Here are my reasons. 1st my birthday weekend in Vegas was the best weekend ever. My mom is an angel for keeping my girls for 3 days straight. If I had another child, I couldnt ask her to do that. I already felt guilty enough this time. Also as much as I love my girls, it is nice to get some away time, a new baby would change all that for a long time. I also like to have my girls be involved in activities. Right now Julie is in horseback riding and softball and Kaitlyn does gymnastics and swimming. In the summer they will both be in Soccer which is a lot of money and not to mention time. I see many of my friends with 3 kids and what a struggle it is. I also have 2 healthy girls and when we were in Vegas we saw so many sick and disabled kids. That would affect everyone especially my girls because it would be hard to focus on them anymore if you had a special needs child. My husband and I have talked about adoption and that isnt completly out of the question but I think for now we will stay a happy family of 4.

Change is sometimes bittersweet

I have come to a point in my life where there are some major things that need to change, but I have been unable to do so. How do you change things that you have done or experienced for as long as you can remember....I am talking 26+ years. I guess I have always to an extent in some parts of my life put others first and sometimes went above and beyond to make someone my friend or keep them as a friend. The older I get in that aspect though I realize that I am too damn old to play some childish games. Either you like me for who I am, or you dont. I no longer want to walk on egg shells around certain people. On the other hand, some change needs to happen to make my husband and my family happier, but once something is so ingrained in you, it is almost like second nature and at times, hard to realize just how bad it is. When I sit down to think about these things, I know they have to change but don't know where exactly to begin for success. Maybe I mean more like long term success, all I know is that I can't go on like I am for it will destroy me.

Okay so now for the bittersweet part. My babies are growing up. Last night we converted Kaitlyn's crib into a full sized bed and her mattress is being delivered today. How is it that my littlest girl is no longer so little. Gone are the days of the crib and as of today the toddler bed, and since my husband says that he is done having little ones(although I would like just one more), it is a sad goodbye to the baby days. My kids are growing up and sometimes it feels like they need me less and less. Yes, it is bittersweet. A necessary evil. Your goal as a mom is to raise kind, and caring children that can turn out to be wonderful people as they grow up, but at times it happens way to fast. I dont know what the next 5 yrs will hold for us, I would like to have a little one all over again, and maybe this time not be so rushed to have them hit the next stage. But as for now, I will try to stop time a little and savor more moments within the day, even those that may be hard, for I know all to soon I will look back and realize what a small blip in life that was and how truly fast it goes.

I can't believe it has been 6 yrs

At this time 6 yrs ago, my water had already broken and I was taking a shower and eating some cereal before heading off to the hospital. With nervous anticipation we headed to the hospital mid morning. By that eve, we had a beautiful baby girl that looked just like her daddy. Who would have known how much my life was going to change and all for the good. Looking back now it seems like it was just yesterday, but in truth it has been 6 yrs. I have a beautiful, smart, and caring kindergardner. She has taught me so much in life and she is such a blessing. I love you baby...happy birthday to my girl!!

Of Course

So we had a great time in Reno this weekend and as we were leaving, Kaitlyn came down sick. So it was good that we were heading home. Then on Monday, Julie started out with my horrible cough....I know she is miserable because I know that I was. All I was thinking was that she is the superstar in class this week and the whole week is about her and this comes up. So she went to school yesterday and then last night she came in crying that her head hurt so bad, she was burning up and feeling like crap. Uh oh....so this morning she had a 101.6 fever and looked horrible. I didnt want her to miss school due to her special week but I knew she needed to stay in bed. Bummer...now I only hope that she is better before her big birthday party this Sat....that would be horrible. Lets keep our fingers crossed.