Feeling sad and lost

I know we all have times when sometimes life feels like it sucks....now dont get me wrong. I love my family and I am a very blessed person. On the flipside of that story, I have a huge amount of regrets in my life and they just wear on me and drag me down. My house seems to always be in a state of chaos....it bothers me and depresses me which causes an endless circle. A lot of the time, I have no motivation to do anything about it because in less then 10 minutes it will be back where it started. Not a good way to be that is for sure. Also my husband is great with money, me not so much. I like to shop and there are times I buy things that may not be needed but then I expect money to be there for projects and trips and such....then it isnt which is all my fault. That also wears on me more then anyone can imagine. For my sanitiy IT needs to change. I feel that because of all this, it adds more stress which doesnt make me a very good mother or wife....I wish I could snap my fingers and the people from clean house could come and make it all go away. To me, I look at the big picture and all I see in front of me is a huge mountain that I cannot climb, so why even try. I can't look at the small one because the big one is too monumental in size. Here lies the problem, change......it has to happen now....but how to start without getting overwhelmed and wanting to quit. We will see where this road leads in the coming weeks. Maybe having it all out in the open is my first huge step to sucess.

Change is sometimes bittersweet

I have come to a point in my life where there are some major things that need to change, but I have been unable to do so. How do you change things that you have done or experienced for as long as you can remember....I am talking 26+ years. I guess I have always to an extent in some parts of my life put others first and sometimes went above and beyond to make someone my friend or keep them as a friend. The older I get in that aspect though I realize that I am too damn old to play some childish games. Either you like me for who I am, or you dont. I no longer want to walk on egg shells around certain people. On the other hand, some change needs to happen to make my husband and my family happier, but once something is so ingrained in you, it is almost like second nature and at times, hard to realize just how bad it is. When I sit down to think about these things, I know they have to change but don't know where exactly to begin for success. Maybe I mean more like long term success, all I know is that I can't go on like I am for it will destroy me.

Okay so now for the bittersweet part. My babies are growing up. Last night we converted Kaitlyn's crib into a full sized bed and her mattress is being delivered today. How is it that my littlest girl is no longer so little. Gone are the days of the crib and as of today the toddler bed, and since my husband says that he is done having little ones(although I would like just one more), it is a sad goodbye to the baby days. My kids are growing up and sometimes it feels like they need me less and less. Yes, it is bittersweet. A necessary evil. Your goal as a mom is to raise kind, and caring children that can turn out to be wonderful people as they grow up, but at times it happens way to fast. I dont know what the next 5 yrs will hold for us, I would like to have a little one all over again, and maybe this time not be so rushed to have them hit the next stage. But as for now, I will try to stop time a little and savor more moments within the day, even those that may be hard, for I know all to soon I will look back and realize what a small blip in life that was and how truly fast it goes.