Anxiety and clutter make for a bad combo

So for those who have known me a while, you all know that I have anxiety....but some may not realize to what extent. Anyhow, some things it is minor, others huge. Well lets just say that my house and life also has clutter and those 2 things together can be a horrible combination. So I have been trying to de clutter and make room in my house and my life. I rearranged Kaitlyn's room, I have been trying just to get rid of things that I know have not been used in months, but it is hard to look at the big picture when there are so many little steps. Everything you read says just do a little at a time and break it into 15 minute clumps...it doesn't all need to get done at once, but for me 15 minutes makes me feel like it will never ever be finished and then comes the anxiety followed by the depression. Take today for example. I spent an hour and a half cleaning out the garage...filling up a whole garbage can and recycle bin, and making 3 large bags for donation. I look at what I have done and I think WOW....you did a lot(well when looking at a little picture). Then I look at the big picture and think, what a waste, this is never going to be finished and then it gets frustrating and upsetting and I just want to give up.....I guess it doesn't help that neither my husband or I are neat freaks. I have told my husband that we need to hire a professional organizer because I think that a lot of this stuff for it to get accomplished is beyond the 2 of us. He being an engineer thinks it is a waste of money to do that...so here I am back at square 1. I should be thrilled that the garage is coming together and Kaitlyns room looks great, but instead I am unhappy about how much more we have to go......

I took the leap surprising even myself

So the gym that I belong to, is having an 8 week body challenge. What it is, you pay a fee and you have weekly weigh in's and then you get 2 group personal training sessions a week for 6 weeks. Then two weeks on your own. At the end of 8 weeks the person who has lost the biggest percentage will win. They have a bunch of different prizes etc. When I saw the form, it was like a light bulb clicked in my head. Usually I say to those things why the hell would you pay for something like that on top of the gym membership price. This time, I know the reason. I need to have a drastic change like that. What I am doing is not working so I need to change it and step it up a whole lot. Wish me luck as I embark on this journey.

Do you remember back when?

The other day, I was tired and stressed so I wanted to take a hot bath since my 2 yr old was taking her nap. As I grabbed my book and headed for the tub I realized that I had to take the million toys out 1st. So I was thinking about a list of things that changes when you become a parent.

-Do you remember when you could get right in the bath without having to clean out 1o million toys 1st?

-Do you remember when you could go to the bathroom without an audience?

-Do you remember when you could sleep all night without a toy in your little ones crib making noise in the monitor and waking you up?

-Do you remember when you didn't believe that the dish fairy and the laundry fairy existed, but now you wish they would just go away and stop making so much work for you to handle?

-Do you remember when you didn't think it was possible to be groped in so many ways?

-Do you remember being able to wear the same clothes all day without food, or gunk, or unexplainable things on you?

Even though I don't remember much of that, I do know that I wouldn't change anything about it. I have never felt more loved or needed in my life and although sometimes it is hard and tiring, they are worth it!!

do you believe

Okay so you may or may not believe in this stuff but i am going to share it anyhow. As my best friend and I say, you are surrounded by the love and light. Anyhow, the other day I went to get my hair done while my mom had the kids and so after my hair, I went to her house and she had the kids at the pool, so I was all alone. Anyhow I was in the kitchen making a snack and the phone started doing a weird beeping noise and the display kept changing on it. A little weird considering that it was hung up on the charger but it just happened. So as I continued to make a snack it kept beeping for a few minutes a couple of times every couple of seconds. When it finally stopped, I decided what the heck, maybe someone is trying to tell me something so out loud, I said, "Dad is that you?" By this time the phone wasn't making noise anymore so then I said again, dad if that is you, beep the phone again....immediately the phone beeped one time....... it never happened again the rest of the night.......

A great day and GREAT NEWS!!!

Let's just say that god must be smiling down on me today! For those who know me, you know that I am not super religious but I do believe. So today I went to my appt with the rheumatologist for my Lupus to see how I am doing, and discuss my lab work. Let's just say that I am feeling great. My lab work is fabulous and my lupus antibody test came back negative!!! Now it does not mean that I am cured as of now, he is still cautious to say that, since we still have one more med to wean off of. But he says that as of this time, I DO NOT have active Lupus. He said that as of now, I don't have anything different then the millions of people that are walking around with a pain here and there but not anything to go to the doctor about. I asked him if I continue, could I not have any more problems the rest of my life and he said for sure....lets keep our fingers crossed and our prayers going. I told my husband, we are going out to dinner to celebrate tonight.

Almost home...

So I am now on day 5 of being by myself while my husband has gone off to Israel for work, and I have to say that it has not been as hard as I expected. I think being by myself, you kind of get into a routine because you know that it is only you around. Some times have been more trying then not...yesterday was a stressful day, both girls were exhausted and it showed in both of their attitudes. Thankfully most nights, we go to my moms house so I can have a little break which really helps out. I think the hardest part is how much I miss my husband. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, well let me tell you, this is the part that has been miserable. I can't even explain how much I miss having him here at night.....Thank god we only have 2 more days until he is home.....

Off to preschool we go

I can't believe it, tomorrow is Kaitlyn's 1st day of preschool. It seems like only yesterday I was dropping Julie off for her 1st day, now she is in Kindergarten. Where did the time go?? They grow up so fast...it is going to be bittersweet when I close that door behind me after taking her to school.