It finally clicked

I just want to warn you ahead of time, this is not a happy post...it is for the most part a sad one. As I was in Kaitlyn's room today painting her mural(yes, I know it has been 2 1/2 yrs and still not done...) it finally clicked what makes me shop and spend money that I don't really have. I was thinking that it stems from when I was younger....12-16. My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. As the years progressed and his health was failing....I knew it would be the end soon. I think watching that for 4 years made me fear death. I know I fear dying....I am afraid of dying and my kids never remembering who I am, of my husband being all alone. I worry about my husband dying, my kids getting a terminal disease...I know morbid right. I should not worry about something that may or may not happen and something that I cannot control. I know that I shop and buy things because I think, what if I die tomorrow....I would really like to have this....or maybe my kids will remember that I bought that special toy that they wanted. I am sorry about everyone that I have hurt doing that....for sometimes making my kids expect things.....for making my husband upset when the bills come in....for everything. It is also a stress reliever, a self-esteem boost.....like shopping therapy.

Now, I am slowly watching my Grandma fade away. It brings back flashbacks of my father dying and every time I see her, I wonder if it is going to be the last time. She has always been a pillar of strength....almost invincible. One of the strongest people I have ever known. Now she is frail, sickly, painful, and no longer the strong one. Everyday it gets a little worse. She can no longer make if up the stairs in my moms house to go to bed, so she sleeps in the den in the recliner. She has to be taken in a wheelchair a very small amount over to her house because she can in no way walk that far anymore.....and in the 4 weeks that this has started, everyday it gets so much worse. The worst part is we are leaving for Disney world in a week and a half. I am scared to death....you see more then not, loved ones have died when I am away from home and I dread getting that phone call that I have to come home.....

It is for sure better to give then recieve

It may have taken me 20 years to fully realize it, but I know above all that it is better to give then to receive. I try to help out whenever people need it, whether it be a friend, Julie's teacher, or a neighbor...a lot of people don't understand it....including at times my husband who I love dearly. Everyone always asks me, what are they going to do for you helping out...or what are you going to get in return?? Why is that always what people ask. I do those things for the good of doing the deed, not for what I may or may not get in return. Is it a selfless act? Yes, most of the time it gets unrecognized and unnoticed....it took me a very long time to realize that. Most of my life I have always wanted validation and praise for what I have done. I guess you could say that I have grown up. Today I did a very good deed. I had multiple bags of infant and toddler clothes that I have been slowly selling through craigslist and Ebay. Making some extra money, but I still had a lot left. I didn't realize until today, just how much I had. 10 large black outside garbage bags full...that is a lot. As I was packing it all up I was thinking...wow, I could make a lot of money off of this much...I mean in the $100's. Instead, I was packing it all up for a place that is called Twin Lakes Food Bank..it is a place where people can go that have nothing or very little...they can pick out a bag of clothes, they can get a toy for a child, they can receive groceries all free of charge. Somewhere they can get a leg up in this world. As I drove into the parking lot, I couldn't help but notice the people who volunteer to help and most of all, make someone Else's day...all without passing judgement. As I loaded all of my donation of clothes and a bassinet into carts, I saw people leaving with groceries....some who looked like they had not had a shower and clean clothes for awhile, others who were older and probably on a fixed income that was barely making it...who knows what the story is but I am sure they all had a different one to tell.
The one thing that I noticed was that everyone who was leaving with their cart of groceries had a huge smile on their face. It is then and there that I knew that I was doing the right thing....sure I could have made a lot of money off of it, but look at the many many people and kids that I helped. I also know that it is going to someone who truly needs them....so with a smile and a happy heart, I left feeling content knowing that I made someone Else's holidays just a little brighter and thankful that I can provide for my children and give them a happy holiday too....

How dare she

So I was at a very very good friends house last night babysitting her kids and mine were there playing for awhile to. When I heard from the playroom, the little girl tell Julie that her mom put some of the dress up clothes up in the closet so Julie couldn't put them on because she was to big for them...ok..I understand that. Julie doesn't really fit in the 6x dress up clothes anymore and she doesn't want them ripped. But that is not what pissed me off. As I was sitting there listening, I heard the girl tell Julie that she cant wear them because she is too fat and her mom said that it is because you(Julie) eat too many snacks and too much dinner.....DID I HEAR THIS RIGHT??? So I called Julie into the other room where I was and sent the little girl back in the playroom so that I could talk to Julie alone. I then asked her what was said...she told me and thank god she isn't at the age where it affects her yet...I was pissed and crying because I went through that crap at school when I was a kid and I don't want my child to have to go through that, and for a mom to tell her child that...no wonder kids are so mean. If there parents have no problem saying it, why should they. I then asked the girl to come out and tell me what she told Julie and she repeated the same thing again and then I asked her if her mom told her that and she said yes....this person is one of my very good friends and I am pissed. Now what do I do....after I got home from babysitting at like 1:45 in the morning, I could not sleep but just laid there and thought about it some more and got even more pissed.

Merry Christmas to me...

Well I guess when it rains it pours and also things happen in 3's. So off I went to the ER after my fall and 2 hrs later I returned with a cast and crutches and instructions to elevate and ice my foot before seeing an orthopedic doctor in a week or two. Not only did I break it, but the tendon in my foot pulled a piece of bone off. Just what I need. On crutches with 2 sick kids and I am not feeling that great tonight either....just my luck. I hope tomorrow will be better. Even better, I am supposed to be going to Florida to Disney World in a little over 3 weeks.

Lets add to my last one

How do you make a day like this even better....well lets just say, I was walking in the other room to call my husband because one of our friends kids had not been picked up from school and they couldnt find the parents and I tripped, my foot buckled and I fell face 1st on the floor. So now I am laying here unable to put any weight on my foot and waiting until my mom or Adam get here to take me to the hospital....I just pray that the kids stay asleep until then

When it rains, it pours

So today started off with Julie saying that she didn't feel good, but she has had a cough and a cold for about 2 weeks so I gave her some meds and sent her off to school only to have to pick her up early from school with a fever and a headache and saying that she feels really really sick. Then Kaitlyn has been crying for the last hour saying that her butt hurts since she has been so constipated that she has hemorrhoids on her bottom and still trying to poop. The doctor today gave us some medicine to start giving her which should help in about a week. She also looks like she is getting what Julie has so I think that it is just the start of what is to come. Also I discovered that she has ringworm on her leg...oh joy!! I think I am going to head to the Gym when Adam gets home tonight....LOL

What I wish people would understand

When I was diagnosed with Lupus about a year ago, I had no idea what path I was going to go down or how I would feel from day to day. I felt like I had a death sentence handed to me and I was not going to be able to watch my kids grow up. I know now that there are things that I can do to help myself and my disease. Also I know that the chance of me dying from Lupus is slim. The one thing that I wish people would understand is the symptoms that come with it. Looking back, I cant blame people because before I was diagnosed I was blind to what people are going through too. I always thought that it could not be that bad. I had a boss that had fibromyalgia and would have extreme fatigue to the point that she had to quit her job as a successful veterinarian to stay home and even then her husband had to do all of the domestic chores and feed the kids when he got home from a 12 hr day of work. I admit, I never understood and I guess until you live it, you can't. I just thought she was lazy and using it as an excuse. Boy am I so sorry. Along with Lupus comes chronic fatigue.....no one, not even my husband understands the way that I feel. Because of this I get pissed and defensive when someone complains that my house isn't clean, or I didn't get to something I said I would, or I wont go to the gym. It hurts. You think that I like feeling like this. Like I am inadequate, a horrible wife and mother and all while trying to fake it on the outside so no one will notice what it is really like for me. More days then not, I fight to stay awake while I am driving because I get so tired. I pray to god that me and my kids will get home safe. I pass up playing with my kids to lay on my bed and then am full of guilt for everything that I have missed and how they are missing out on their mom. There is no true way to explain what it is like being this tired unless you have lived it. I guess you could maybe say it is the kind of tired when you have a newborn, only it goes on forever and you never get caught up. I still don't think that quite is enough though. I would love to get help at home, like an organizer or cleaning person or something, but that costs money that we cant afford so I look around at all that has to be done and get even more overwhelmed. I am not writing this for pity, I am just writing this so that maybe when someone is cranky or rude or grumpy, maybe they are having a bad day or living with a condition that no one but them knows about. Now don't get me wrong, I have good days too...but I just wish people would understand how most days are.....