Well the CDC way isn’t how my test was done🤬

So in light of my test results that came back negative, yet I still have a fever and don’t feel well I was looking up the test practices of how it should be done. And of course everywhere that I read says that both sides of the nostril should be swabbed. Of course they only did one side of mine and that was a side that they already rub the swab around earlier for a flu specimen so now I am wondering did they really get an accurate test? Or did the flu swab beforehand remove whatever they were looking for? Or do I really not have it? So do I feel any more relief right now, not really I’ve even attached the page from the CDC that says how to do the swab, highlighted below!!

Hopeful good news

Well my test results came back early and they showed a negative result which is good, so I am hopefully optimistic that I do not have covid. It even says directly on the test that are negative result does not rule out Covid19, with that being said, I still have a fever, headache, cough and today have nausea so I was told that even though it came back negative does not mean you don’t have it. 30% false negative rate at lest they are seeing due to multiple factors. So keep those good thoughts coming ....we passed the first marker!!!

Fever started /Day 1

Day 2 update

Reflections

Struggeling with a chronic illness is not fun, it is a rarity in my life to have a great day.. With that being said, I would love to have a neat and clean and organized house, the reality is I don't...with that being said, I dont invite many people over for fear of judgement, but lets look deeper at that. How can anyone judge someone who has not walked in there shoes. I used to be guilty of this until things in my life changed. I dont know how many days or years I have left in front of me and that has made me change my way of thinking. I want my children to remember me for being an involved mom. That is why I push myself to drive to soccer, softball, swimming, and even though I may be so tired I can barely move because of my illness, I push through..so the house gets left behind because I have left my last ounce of energy with my kids and seeing their happy faces makes me know that I made the right choice. It is lonely dealing with being sick because no one can imagine what and how you feel if they have not experinced it. So just for today I ask, before you judge someone take a minute to think we dont really know what is going on in their life. Maybe they have a family member that is sick and they are taking care of, maybe their spouse is having an affair, maybe they dont know how they are going to pay that next bill, or maybe just maybe like me they look normal on the outside, but inside they are in pain and always tired. So instead of judging someone, try to smile and accept them because you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Coping

Coping with a chronic disease sucks. People think that because I dont look sick that I am fine. God I wish that were the case. Try to explain what a day in my life is like and people are like yeah right, whatever. It is not that I want sympathy, just a little understanding sometimes. The worst part of this is the fatigue. There is no way to even describe it because you wouldnt believe me. I wasnt a believer when an old boss of mine had Chronic Fatigue...I would think, how can someone be that tired when they lay in bed all day. Let me tell you, from the time that I wake up in the morning, I have about an hour where I am not tired. After that it feels like I havent slept in 3 days, like my legs are lead weights that I am trying to move with each step. The smallest task feels like I am trying to climb mount Everest. Yet I push on because what choice do I have. Then on the days when my Lupus "flares", pain encircles my joints. Mainly my hands, arms, back, and legs. It hurts to drive the car, brush my teeth, take medicine and have to open the bottle to do so. Yet I try. Then on Mondays when I take my really strong medicine, I am flu like sick for 24 hours....sounds like fun huh....not to mention that because all of this goes on during the day, when I try to lay down at night to sleep, I get restless leg syndrome and I have to take a muscle relaxer or it will take me over an hour to fall asleep. So many things trigger my Lupus to make it worse. Sunlight....can make it flare...how fair is that?? There are days that I am so tired of fighting and being tired and in pain, but then I try to think there are people that are worse off then me. So next time you meet someone or have a friend with a chronic illness, even though they may seem fine...ask them if there is anything you can do for them, or just let them know you are there if they need anything....believe me, it would make a world of difference!

33 on Thursday

Wow, on Thursday I will turn 33 years old. How time flies. As I look back upon my life I feel humble to have all that I do. It has been a wild ride along the way, but even those things that were hard and almost killed me have made me a better person today. As I approach this birthday, I have a different respect for things and maybe even a new perspective. Maybe because I have been ill, but with Lupus you never know how long you may have left in life so I am trying to make the best of every day that I do have left knowing that I am lucky to still be around. Life isnt easy but worth the ride. Losing my father when I was just a teenager was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through to this day. I miss him and think of him every single day.
I was lucky to have found a husband who is just like my daddy was. He is caring, loving, supportive, and understanding(even when I am being selfish and difficult). He is my rock, my support, and my best friend. He has made my life better then I ever imagined and blessed me with 2 wonderful kids, a nice house, nice things, putting up with my many pets...(lol). I tend to get caught up in the drama sometimes of things I dont have that others do(lets face it, I was an only child) and he is always that positive voice to ground me again and I thank him for that. I know that I am truly blessed and "things" do not buy happiness. I have friends who have everything, but not a great marriage or they have problem kids etc....I finally feel in my life like I have it all.
My kids are wonderful with big huge hearts and although they may bicker and argue and stress me out at times, I know it is all a part of them growing up and I embrace every little moment..before I know it they will be all grown up and not wanting to hang out with mom...
Speaking of Mom's I have the best. She is the most unselfish and caring, giving person that anyone could ever meet. She has always been my best friend and my family and I are truley blessed and spolied by all that she does for us. She is strong, stronger then I ever could be and has been through a lot in life but never lets it get her down. She embraces life and it shows.
To my few really close friends I thank you for putting up with all of my weaknessess and sticking by me. You know who you are and you will always be near and dear to my heart.
I am also lucky to have a wonderful set of in-laws. So many people can't stand to be around their in-laws but I can truley say I love mine and I am so lucky to be welcomed into their family.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know that I am finally at peace with my life and that I have all I need to be happy. Life is a journey and I am going to sit back and enjoy the ride......lets hope for another 33 great years......!!

My Bad News

So I haven't posted in a bit and this one isn't going to be about anything good, but I can finally write about it without getting super upset so it is time to write about my feelings and next steps. My fatigue has been getting worse to the point that I feel like I can no longer function so I decided to go to a new Rheumatologist to see if he had an ideas to help my Chronic Fatigue. Due to my history of Lupus and to another Dr thinkinkg that I have Fibromyalgia he decided the first step would be to do some bloodwork(14 vials to be exact). So I went to the lab and then would return to see him again in 4weeks.

Last Sunday after helping my mom move, my fingers started to ache like back when I had Lupus just not as bad. I thought maybe it s just from the stress of the day and doing a little help with the boxes. By Monday they were worse along with my wrists. Thankfully though I had my appt with the Rheumatologist the next day.

Wed came along and that is when my world shifted. My Lupus is now back with a vengeance, I also now also have a disease called Sjogrens, along with Fibromyalgia. All of these things are bad, but combined even worse. So I have been in a bad place since last week. Trying to fit all of the pieces together and see where to go from here. Asking the questions if I am going to be able to see my kids grow up(and freaking out that I am not). I thought my Lupus was gone along with my old Dr but it turns out that it was only in remission. That in itself is a huge shock to my system. I guess I took it for granted that for the most part I was just tired but feeling okay. Now my life is so different and up in the air.

To explain to those of you who have asked what all this means is this. Extreme fatigue(not like I can even explain), joint pain in all of my fingers, wrists, shoulders etc, dry painful eyes and skin and feeling everyday like I have the flu.

What these diseases can cause, kidney failure, stroke, heart attack, liver and major organ failure, increased susceptibility to infection. Basically nothing good. Their is no cure, only treatment to lessen the symptoms and keep the bad things at bay as long as possible. I need to have a positive outlook to help my stay strong and less sick but right this moment it is very hard for me. So if I am not myself right now I apologize in advance.

I am searching for things to make it better and if anyone has an ideas let me know as I am open to all things.

My adventures at Goodwill Outlet....

Yes, I did say Goodwill Outlet. I never knew that their was such a place but driving by the other day it sparked my curiosity.....an outlet for Goodwill...what in the world could they have there...stuff that they couldnt almost give away at the regular store? Let me tell you it was an experience. First off everything there is sold by the pound....$1.39 a lb to be exact. It is a large building with tables full of bins....mostly bins of broken stuff and junk. Yes, I mean junk. A trampoline missing the 2 front legs....half of a dirty plastic garbage can missing the top, some glasses, broken toys, half packages of depends diapers. Then you come to the clothes section, if you are willing to dig through piles and piles of misc clothes, blankets, you name it, you may find a deal. The problem is most of these are things that they couldnt sell at Goodwill because they were stained or had holes or were frayed etc. Some are things that just didnt sell. Then there are the things that didnt sell at the store, but are now more expensive at the outlet due to the weight factor. For example, I found a bucket of lincoln logs for my kids that was labled $6.99, now it didnt sell for that price at a regular goodwill store keep in mind, but when I took it up to the cash register at the outlet due to the weight it was now $10, are you kidding me???

Now if you are like me, you are probably thinking do people really buy this stuff? Yes, people had carts overflowing with stuff. The most incredible part is what I noticed while I was waiting for my mom and the girls. There was a large crowd of people(at least 40) in one section of the store by where I was standing. I was thinking what the heck is going on, until I saw an employee wheeling out a large bin of clothes, now by large I mean probably 7 foot long, by 3 feet wide. As he approached with the "new" bin, these people swarmed on him before he could even get the bin in place and locked. Digging through as fast as they could to find the next great thing. Then they would grab what they found and wait for the next bin to come out 5 minutes later and the whole thing would start all over again. I couldnt believe my eyes. These are things that could not go in the other regular stores or just didnt sell, its not like you are going to find a coach pair of shoes or something. It was a mad dash and mob for each new bin that appeared. I coudlnt believe my eyes. Then I found out that there are a bunch of regulars that are there every single day. WOW.

Now on the flipside I am very blessed in life to not have to shop this way. I find it sad that some people can only afford these things that most people do not want. I don't have to shop there but man if you do, I guess it is a whole different world. On that note, I think in a way it is wrong for Goodwill to stoop to this level. They had 99% of this stuff donated to them. I know that they use the money to do good..and from what I heard they do. So why not in this economy and place that we are living, where there are shelters and so many homeless people, dont they in return donate this stuff that doesnt sell or they cant sell in the normal stores to those less fortunate. To me it seems like they are trying to milk every last cent from people on things that they got for free. Something about this seems wrong. I don't know maybe it is just me, what do you think?

Now I have to admit, I did spend $11. I bought a few pieces of clothes for the kids, a few stuffed animals(that we washed in the washing machine right away) and a small toy and case for Julie. It was a whole different world for me and one in which I say that I am not planning on returning to any time soon.

Looks are not everything

Do you ever feel like some things just happen for a reason. Let me tell you why I feel this way right now. We recently decided to add another cat to our household as a working cat, 1st to cure the squirrel issue we have in our attic(since nothing else will) and then to remain outside to hopefully keep them at bay. So after checking out many rescue sites and descriptions, I decided that I wanted an orange female that I found online at our local animal shelter. So while the kids were at grandmas this weekend, I headed down to the local shelter set on picking up our new working kitty and it was great since I have wanted an orange cat for a long time. It was all fitting into place. As I walked into animal control and I was greeted by many cats for adoption. I quickly located the orange girl and headed to her cage hoping she would be sweet and I would be taking her home with me. So I opened her cage and yes she was a very sweet girl. I looked around at the other cats and then the cat that was in the cage below her caught my eye. Sitting below was a large black cat...nothing fancy and a male. I was there for a female and what I thought was an orange one. Something told me to check him out, so I sat on the floor and opened the door and out walked this large longhaired black cat with gold eyes. He wanted attention and was very sweet, he then proceeded to plop down in my lap and when I stopped petting him, he reached his hand out to let me know he would like more. I was still set on the orange one at this time. I ended up sitting on the floor with the black one for about 30 minutes and then put him back and locked up his cage. I then went back to the orange girl, but I knew in my mind at that time that this would not be the one that I would be taking home.

Up to the desk I went and before I knew it I was filling out papers for a black cat named Nim. I then learned that he had been there for 2 1/2 months after being found as a stray. That is a long time. Also statistics show that black animals are the least adopted and most euthanized in shelters as most people pass them up. Before I knew it, I was on my way home with my new "Black Male Cat".....

Well let me tell you, within the night the squirrel was gone. We moved the cat to my bedroom so he can get used to us before he is sent outside(that way he wont run away). Let me tell you, he is the most loving cat ever. I think he knows that he was truly rescued. He is great with the kids and loves to be petted. He will make a great addition to the household and I think will be doing a great job to keep the rodents away. Who knows how long he had left before his number was up. For those of you who are not animal people, spring is kitten season and shelters will be overrun with cute kittens everywhere. At that point, cats like Nim who have been there for awhile and not adopted find that there number is up. What a loss if that would have been his fate. I know that we can't save them all, but something was in the cards for this one to make sure that he was saved before suffering a much worse fate.

32 years ago today!!

32 years ago today I came into this world and wow what a wild ride it has been. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would be where I am today. My best friend stopped by a few weeks ago and we were talking about life and all we have been through. Can you believe that we have been best friends for 20 years...wow. The one thing that always shines with us, is that no matter how long we have been apart, it is like we havent missed a day when we get back together. I think that this birthday was one of the best, due to the fact that even those that I was sure of would not call to mention my birthday did and what a wonderful surprise that was. I am blessed with a wonderful husband, 2 beautiful girls, great family, and a few really close friends. It is days like today that I need to look back on and see how truly blessed I am to be surrounded by people who love me.

What I learned in 2010 and what I have planned for 2011

Well here we are again, the start of another year. So before I get to all those resolutions and such, I want to touch on a few key points from 2010.
1. It is only fun until someone gets hurt, and someone always will get hurt.
2. Don't turn your back to the waves and ocean even if you think they are small and never swim without a lifeguard.
3. I have the best husband and kids in the world and my mom is pretty great too..
4. Even though the Dr says that it is okay to use cortizone cream in the nether regions, dont use the spray that provides instant cooling relief.(Unless you really need to start a fire)
5. Time goes by way to fast.
6. A lot of people are only your friends when it is convienent for them.
7. My knee will never again be in the same place.

Okay so now on to 2011. I know we all make these resolutions and never stick to it so I am going to check back every 3 months and update everyone on the progress.

1. I am going to be a better person
2. I am going to love myself
3. I am going to try and spend less money.
4. I am going to try to forgive my imperfections.
5. I am going to live and love like it is the last day.

HAPPY 2011 EVERYONE>>>>> May it be filled with happiness and harmony!

Not what I wanted to hear

Well I went to my Orthopedist appt today...it will be 2 long months since my injury on the 11th....I was expecting good news since I thought things were going great. Still have pain in my kneecap but my mcl feels tight so I thought it was healed. After the Dr checked me out, she said my MCL is healing but still not completely healed but she is 99% positive that I am going to have to have a knee scope surgery. Because of the damage I did when my kneecap got dislocated there is now a lot of rough bone inside causing problems so they need to go in and clean that out and more the likely cut the ligaments on one side of my knee to tighten the other side up...the bad part is that once they do this, I am always going to have problems in the long run because there will be no more cartilage left do it will be bone on bone which means a life time of joint stress and pain. Down time about a month after surgery...I go to see the surgeon on the 11th of October. Now I am thinking about what I am going to do with the kids. If I am going to be off my feet for a month I am going to need help around the house for at least 3 weeks. I didn't want to have surgery....I thought things were going well. So I cried and cried on the way home...depressed and upset. Then I had to suck it up and be happy and not sad again in time to pick up the girls...I guess life goes on....

Just an FYI, I wish we could erase Sept 11th from the calander...not a good day for me. That was the date of my miscarriage, that will be 2 months since this horrible knee injury and then of course Sept 11th in NYC....not a good one for me...

Thought I was ready, but not so sure

Tomorrow is the big day. Julie starts 1st grade which also means that she now goes all day long. I can't believe that it is already here. It doesnt seem like that long ago that I gave birth to her, dropped her off for her 1st day of preschool or even left her with someone for the 1st time. Where did all the time go? I was so excited for her to go all day long, but now I am sad. That is a long time every day to be away from her when for 6 yrs she has been with me more of the day then not, but now it is all going to change....then I think not to long until Kailtyn is off all day and I will be alone all day in the house...I am so not ready for that one...I wish I had a button to slow down the time for a little bit.

On the other hand, we met her teacher today who seems very very nice and we saw her desk with her name on it and her classroom and she saw that some of the kids from her class last year are in her same class this year so she was excited about that. I think she is now less nervous to go tomorrow because she got a sneek peek of what it is going to be.

3 down and hopefully only 3 more long ones to go..plus other ramblings

Today is 3 weeks since my leg injury and I can't believe that I still have at least 3 more weeks to go. The pain is better, but has been keeping me up at night and now I have pain in my kneecap on and off which makes the injury more painful at times. I go back to the drs on Thursday so hopefully I will get some better news about the healing and hopefully still on the no surgery route. Lets keep our fingers crossed and I keep praying that things are improving.

As for the other ramblings I was once again in church today as Julie concluded her week long Vacation Bible School by singing 2 songs in church today. It felt good to be back in church and it was a great sermon, one that I really needed to hear. It was also great to have family and friends around to support and encourage.

Tomorrow the girls start soccer camp in the morning and then begins soccer practice in the eve. Kaitlyn has practice on M and W and Julie on Tue and Thur...it is going to be busy nights and some very tired little girls and then to top it all off....Julie begins 1st grade next week. I cannot believe how fast my little baby is growing up. Sometimes it is way too quick......

If you believe it will give you chills

So some of you may or may not believe in this kind of stuff, but for me I do. Ever since my Grandpa died many many years ago all of our family would find random pennies around....even places that we had just been in our house or such, that we knew he was thinking about us and near us. It has been going on for years. When my grandma was dying and in her final last days and no longer communicating with us, my mom was talking to her and made a joke that when she(my grandma) finally passes away, she better send us Quarters instead of a tiny penny and we all laughed about it, but who knows if my grandma even knew we were there at that point. Well not long after she passed, my uncle who does not believe in this stuff, walked out of his building at work and on a tree planter right in front of him, lay a penny and a quarter. To us a sign that my grandma and grandpa were back together again, and they knew to go to the non believer 1st. I think in a way, it made him believe. Then lets jump to today. Julie has been going to a Vacation Bible School at the Lutheran Church close to our house and loving every minute of it. When my grandma was alive she would always get on me about the kids and learning about god and being baptised and all that. I never did any of it because my husband is Jewish and we agreed that we will allow our children to choose the religion they would like when they get older. Anyhow, back to camp. This week my mom and I have said how proud grandma would be about Julie going to this camp and today Julie got in the car and said to me, "Mom, we went outside to do an activity today and then when we came back inside to our seats, there was a quarter where I was sitting...." , okay so I got chills and said do you know who that is from and she said, "Big MAMA, leaves quarters", then she goes onto tell me that they went into another room for snack and she sat down and right beside her sat 2 pennies..." , okay now I was crying....a sign that my grandma and grandpa are right there with her and I am sure grandma aka BIG MAMA is beaming with pride.

Two weeks in

Well I have made it 2 weeks with my injury...and every day I think it gets a tiny bit better and then the next I will have a step back so I guess you could say two steps forward and one step back. Went to see the orthopedist last week and although I did a heck of a job injuring my leg...tore my MCL and the ligaments holding the left side of my knee cap, at this time it doesnt look like I need surgery to repair that part of the equation. They say that it should form scar tissue and begin to heal but it will take 6-8wks. That is the part that is killing me. After it is healed they may have to go into my knee and tighten the ligaments on one side and loosen them on the other but they wont know that until after. Hopefully my kneecap will go back to its rightful place. I guess it didnt like being dislocated....

So I am getting around in a huge, hot knee brace and a crutch and that is the depressing part....I want to be able to get down and play with my kids, not lay in bed and rest my leg...I know in the big picture it is a short time, but from where I am now, 6 weeks seems like forever.

Dont need to say much in this one

Torn MCL along with several other ligaments...dislocated kneecap, will continue to swell until fixed due to the constant trauma of knee floating. Great....going to require surgery and at least 12 week recovery.....now I am really depressed.....but what can I do...

Pain, pain, and more pain

Let me start off by saying I have a whole lot in my life to be thankful for and enjoy. That being said,I think this leg injury may just kill me. Short of the time when I broke my back. This is constant pain 24/7. Nothing helps just maybe takes the edge off. I am beyond miserable. I cannot move without pain. My leg and ankle and foot is so swollen it hurts. If I move the wrong way, my kneecap slips out of the socket and that is a whole different kind of pain. IT will be a week tomorrow and I guess I expected some sort of relief.....it takes me almost 5 minutes to get from my bed to the bathroom in my bedroom.....I dont know what I am looking for here.....but someone throw me a bone.

Feeling sad and lost

I know we all have times when sometimes life feels like it sucks....now dont get me wrong. I love my family and I am a very blessed person. On the flipside of that story, I have a huge amount of regrets in my life and they just wear on me and drag me down. My house seems to always be in a state of chaos....it bothers me and depresses me which causes an endless circle. A lot of the time, I have no motivation to do anything about it because in less then 10 minutes it will be back where it started. Not a good way to be that is for sure. Also my husband is great with money, me not so much. I like to shop and there are times I buy things that may not be needed but then I expect money to be there for projects and trips and such....then it isnt which is all my fault. That also wears on me more then anyone can imagine. For my sanitiy IT needs to change. I feel that because of all this, it adds more stress which doesnt make me a very good mother or wife....I wish I could snap my fingers and the people from clean house could come and make it all go away. To me, I look at the big picture and all I see in front of me is a huge mountain that I cannot climb, so why even try. I can't look at the small one because the big one is too monumental in size. Here lies the problem, change......it has to happen now....but how to start without getting overwhelmed and wanting to quit. We will see where this road leads in the coming weeks. Maybe having it all out in the open is my first huge step to sucess.