A mom trying to handle things thrown her way

My Bad News

2012-01-15T11:43:00.000-08:00

So I haven't posted in a bit and this one isn't going to be about anything good, but I can finally write about it without getting super upset so it is time to write about my feelings and next steps. My fatigue has been getting worse to the point that I feel like I can no longer function so I decided to go to a new Rheumatologist to see if he had an ideas to help my Chronic Fatigue. Due to my history of Lupus and to another Dr thinkinkg that I have Fibromyalgia he decided the first step would be to do some bloodwork(14 vials to be exact). So I went to the lab and then would return to see him again in 4weeks.

Last Sunday after helping my mom move, my fingers started to ache like back when I had Lupus just not as bad. I thought maybe it s just from the stress of the day and doing a little help with the boxes. By Monday they were worse along with my wrists. Thankfully though I had my appt with the Rheumatologist the next day.

Wed came along and that is when my world shifted. My Lupus is now back with a vengeance, I also now also have a disease called Sjogrens, along with Fibromyalgia. All of these things are bad, but combined even worse. So I have been in a bad place since last week. Trying to fit all of the pieces together and see where to go from here. Asking the questions if I am going to be able to see my kids grow up(and freaking out that I am not). I thought my Lupus was gone along with my old Dr but it turns out that it was only in remission. That in itself is a huge shock to my system. I guess I took it for granted that for the most part I was just tired but feeling okay. Now my life is so different and up in the air.

To explain to those of you who have asked what all this means is this. Extreme fatigue(not like I can even explain), joint pain in all of my fingers, wrists, shoulders etc, dry painful eyes and skin and feeling everyday like I have the flu.

What these diseases can cause, kidney failure, stroke, heart attack, liver and major organ failure, increased susceptibility to infection. Basically nothing good. Their is no cure, only treatment to lessen the symptoms and keep the bad things at bay as long as possible. I need to have a positive outlook to help my stay strong and less sick but right this moment it is very hard for me. So if I am not myself right now I apologize in advance.

I am searching for things to make it better and if anyone has an ideas let me know as I am open to all things.

My adventures at Goodwill Outlet....

2011-07-30T19:19:00.000-07:00

Yes, I did say Goodwill Outlet. I never knew that their was such a place but driving by the other day it sparked my curiosity.....an outlet for Goodwill...what in the world could they have there...stuff that they couldnt almost give away at the regular store? Let me tell you it was an experience. First off everything there is sold by the pound....$1.39 a lb to be exact. It is a large building with tables full of bins....mostly bins of broken stuff and junk. Yes, I mean junk. A trampoline missing the 2 front legs....half of a dirty plastic garbage can missing the top, some glasses, broken toys, half packages of depends diapers. Then you come to the clothes section, if you are willing to dig through piles and piles of misc clothes, blankets, you name it, you may find a deal. The problem is most of these are things that they couldnt sell at Goodwill because they were stained or had holes or were frayed etc. Some are things that just didnt sell. Then there are the things that didnt sell at the store, but are now more expensive at the outlet due to the weight factor. For example, I found a bucket of lincoln logs for my kids that was labled $6.99, now it didnt sell for that price at a regular goodwill store keep in mind, but when I took it up to the cash register at the outlet due to the weight it was now $10, are you kidding me???

Now if you are like me, you are probably thinking do people really buy this stuff? Yes, people had carts overflowing with stuff. The most incredible part is what I noticed while I was waiting for my mom and the girls. There was a large crowd of people(at least 40) in one section of the store by where I was standing. I was thinking what the heck is going on, until I saw an employee wheeling out a large bin of clothes, now by large I mean probably 7 foot long, by 3 feet wide. As he approached with the "new" bin, these people swarmed on him before he could even get the bin in place and locked. Digging through as fast as they could to find the next great thing. Then they would grab what they found and wait for the next bin to come out 5 minutes later and the whole thing would start all over again. I couldnt believe my eyes. These are things that could not go in the other regular stores or just didnt sell, its not like you are going to find a coach pair of shoes or something. It was a mad dash and mob for each new bin that appeared. I coudlnt believe my eyes. Then I found out that there are a bunch of regulars that are there every single day. WOW.

Now on the flipside I am very blessed in life to not have to shop this way. I find it sad that some people can only afford these things that most people do not want. I don't have to shop there but man if you do, I guess it is a whole different world. On that note, I think in a way it is wrong for Goodwill to stoop to this level. They had 99% of this stuff donated to them. I know that they use the money to do good..and from what I heard they do. So why not in this economy and place that we are living, where there are shelters and so many homeless people, dont they in return donate this stuff that doesnt sell or they cant sell in the normal stores to those less fortunate. To me it seems like they are trying to milk every last cent from people on things that they got for free. Something about this seems wrong. I don't know maybe it is just me, what do you think?

Now I have to admit, I did spend $11. I bought a few pieces of clothes for the kids, a few stuffed animals(that we washed in the washing machine right away) and a small toy and case for Julie. It was a whole different world for me and one in which I say that I am not planning on returning to any time soon.

Looks are not everything

2011-04-12T21:40:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like some things just happen for a reason. Let me tell you why I feel this way right now. We recently decided to add another cat to our household as a working cat, 1st to cure the squirrel issue we have in our attic(since nothing else will) and then to remain outside to hopefully keep them at bay. So after checking out many rescue sites and descriptions, I decided that I wanted an orange female that I found online at our local animal shelter. So while the kids were at grandmas this weekend, I headed down to the local shelter set on picking up our new working kitty and it was great since I have wanted an orange cat for a long time. It was all fitting into place. As I walked into animal control and I was greeted by many cats for adoption. I quickly located the orange girl and headed to her cage hoping she would be sweet and I would be taking her home with me. So I opened her cage and yes she was a very sweet girl. I looked around at the other cats and then the cat that was in the cage below her caught my eye. Sitting below was a large black cat...nothing fancy and a male. I was there for a female and what I thought was an orange one. Something told me to check him out, so I sat on the floor and opened the door and out walked this large longhaired black cat with gold eyes. He wanted attention and was very sweet, he then proceeded to plop down in my lap and when I stopped petting him, he reached his hand out to let me know he would like more. I was still set on the orange one at this time. I ended up sitting on the floor with the black one for about 30 minutes and then put him back and locked up his cage. I then went back to the orange girl, but I knew in my mind at that time that this would not be the one that I would be taking home.

Up to the desk I went and before I knew it I was filling out papers for a black cat named Nim. I then learned that he had been there for 2 1/2 months after being found as a stray. That is a long time. Also statistics show that black animals are the least adopted and most euthanized in shelters as most people pass them up. Before I knew it, I was on my way home with my new "Black Male Cat".....

Well let me tell you, within the night the squirrel was gone. We moved the cat to my bedroom so he can get used to us before he is sent outside(that way he wont run away). Let me tell you, he is the most loving cat ever. I think he knows that he was truly rescued. He is great with the kids and loves to be petted. He will make a great addition to the household and I think will be doing a great job to keep the rodents away. Who knows how long he had left before his number was up. For those of you who are not animal people, spring is kitten season and shelters will be overrun with cute kittens everywhere. At that point, cats like Nim who have been there for awhile and not adopted find that there number is up. What a loss if that would have been his fate. I know that we can't save them all, but something was in the cards for this one to make sure that he was saved before suffering a much worse fate.

32 years ago today!!

2011-03-29T21:12:00.001-07:00

32 years ago today I came into this world and wow what a wild ride it has been. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would be where I am today. My best friend stopped by a few weeks ago and we were talking about life and all we have been through. Can you believe that we have been best friends for 20 years...wow. The one thing that always shines with us, is that no matter how long we have been apart, it is like we havent missed a day when we get back together. I think that this birthday was one of the best, due to the fact that even those that I was sure of would not call to mention my birthday did and what a wonderful surprise that was. I am blessed with a wonderful husband, 2 beautiful girls, great family, and a few really close friends. It is days like today that I need to look back on and see how truly blessed I am to be surrounded by people who love me.

What I learned in 2010 and what I have planned for 2011

2011-01-01T14:38:00.001-08:00

Well here we are again, the start of another year. So before I get to all those resolutions and such, I want to touch on a few key points from 2010.
1. It is only fun until someone gets hurt, and someone always will get hurt.
2. Don't turn your back to the waves and ocean even if you think they are small and never swim without a lifeguard.
3. I have the best husband and kids in the world and my mom is pretty great too..
4. Even though the Dr says that it is okay to use cortizone cream in the nether regions, dont use the spray that provides instant cooling relief.(Unless you really need to start a fire)
5. Time goes by way to fast.
6. A lot of people are only your friends when it is convienent for them.
7. My knee will never again be in the same place.

Okay so now on to 2011. I know we all make these resolutions and never stick to it so I am going to check back every 3 months and update everyone on the progress.

1. I am going to be a better person
2. I am going to love myself
3. I am going to try and spend less money.
4. I am going to try to forgive my imperfections.
5. I am going to live and love like it is the last day.

HAPPY 2011 EVERYONE>>>>> May it be filled with happiness and harmony!

Not what I wanted to hear

2010-09-08T14:17:00.000-07:00

Well I went to my Orthopedist appt today...it will be 2 long months since my injury on the 11th....I was expecting good news since I thought things were going great. Still have pain in my kneecap but my mcl feels tight so I thought it was healed. After the Dr checked me out, she said my MCL is healing but still not completely healed but she is 99% positive that I am going to have to have a knee scope surgery. Because of the damage I did when my kneecap got dislocated there is now a lot of rough bone inside causing problems so they need to go in and clean that out and more the likely cut the ligaments on one side of my knee to tighten the other side up...the bad part is that once they do this, I am always going to have problems in the long run because there will be no more cartilage left do it will be bone on bone which means a life time of joint stress and pain. Down time about a month after surgery...I go to see the surgeon on the 11th of October. Now I am thinking about what I am going to do with the kids. If I am going to be off my feet for a month I am going to need help around the house for at least 3 weeks. I didn't want to have surgery....I thought things were going well. So I cried and cried on the way home...depressed and upset. Then I had to suck it up and be happy and not sad again in time to pick up the girls...I guess life goes on....

Just an FYI, I wish we could erase Sept 11th from the calander...not a good day for me. That was the date of my miscarriage, that will be 2 months since this horrible knee injury and then of course Sept 11th in NYC....not a good one for me...

Thought I was ready, but not so sure

2010-08-10T15:35:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the big day. Julie starts 1st grade which also means that she now goes all day long. I can't believe that it is already here. It doesnt seem like that long ago that I gave birth to her, dropped her off for her 1st day of preschool or even left her with someone for the 1st time. Where did all the time go? I was so excited for her to go all day long, but now I am sad. That is a long time every day to be away from her when for 6 yrs she has been with me more of the day then not, but now it is all going to change....then I think not to long until Kailtyn is off all day and I will be alone all day in the house...I am so not ready for that one...I wish I had a button to slow down the time for a little bit.

On the other hand, we met her teacher today who seems very very nice and we saw her desk with her name on it and her classroom and she saw that some of the kids from her class last year are in her same class this year so she was excited about that. I think she is now less nervous to go tomorrow because she got a sneek peek of what it is going to be.

3 down and hopefully only 3 more long ones to go..plus other ramblings

2010-08-01T21:19:00.000-07:00

Today is 3 weeks since my leg injury and I can't believe that I still have at least 3 more weeks to go. The pain is better, but has been keeping me up at night and now I have pain in my kneecap on and off which makes the injury more painful at times. I go back to the drs on Thursday so hopefully I will get some better news about the healing and hopefully still on the no surgery route. Lets keep our fingers crossed and I keep praying that things are improving.

As for the other ramblings I was once again in church today as Julie concluded her week long Vacation Bible School by singing 2 songs in church today. It felt good to be back in church and it was a great sermon, one that I really needed to hear. It was also great to have family and friends around to support and encourage.

Tomorrow the girls start soccer camp in the morning and then begins soccer practice in the eve. Kaitlyn has practice on M and W and Julie on Tue and Thur...it is going to be busy nights and some very tired little girls and then to top it all off....Julie begins 1st grade next week. I cannot believe how fast my little baby is growing up. Sometimes it is way too quick......

If you believe it will give you chills

2010-07-29T15:05:00.000-07:00

So some of you may or may not believe in this kind of stuff, but for me I do. Ever since my Grandpa died many many years ago all of our family would find random pennies around....even places that we had just been in our house or such, that we knew he was thinking about us and near us. It has been going on for years. When my grandma was dying and in her final last days and no longer communicating with us, my mom was talking to her and made a joke that when she(my grandma) finally passes away, she better send us Quarters instead of a tiny penny and we all laughed about it, but who knows if my grandma even knew we were there at that point. Well not long after she passed, my uncle who does not believe in this stuff, walked out of his building at work and on a tree planter right in front of him, lay a penny and a quarter. To us a sign that my grandma and grandpa were back together again, and they knew to go to the non believer 1st. I think in a way, it made him believe. Then lets jump to today. Julie has been going to a Vacation Bible School at the Lutheran Church close to our house and loving every minute of it. When my grandma was alive she would always get on me about the kids and learning about god and being baptised and all that. I never did any of it because my husband is Jewish and we agreed that we will allow our children to choose the religion they would like when they get older. Anyhow, back to camp. This week my mom and I have said how proud grandma would be about Julie going to this camp and today Julie got in the car and said to me, "Mom, we went outside to do an activity today and then when we came back inside to our seats, there was a quarter where I was sitting...." , okay so I got chills and said do you know who that is from and she said, "Big MAMA, leaves quarters", then she goes onto tell me that they went into another room for snack and she sat down and right beside her sat 2 pennies..." , okay now I was crying....a sign that my grandma and grandpa are right there with her and I am sure grandma aka BIG MAMA is beaming with pride.

Two weeks in

2010-07-26T16:39:00.000-07:00

Well I have made it 2 weeks with my injury...and every day I think it gets a tiny bit better and then the next I will have a step back so I guess you could say two steps forward and one step back. Went to see the orthopedist last week and although I did a heck of a job injuring my leg...tore my MCL and the ligaments holding the left side of my knee cap, at this time it doesnt look like I need surgery to repair that part of the equation. They say that it should form scar tissue and begin to heal but it will take 6-8wks. That is the part that is killing me. After it is healed they may have to go into my knee and tighten the ligaments on one side and loosen them on the other but they wont know that until after. Hopefully my kneecap will go back to its rightful place. I guess it didnt like being dislocated....

So I am getting around in a huge, hot knee brace and a crutch and that is the depressing part....I want to be able to get down and play with my kids, not lay in bed and rest my leg...I know in the big picture it is a short time, but from where I am now, 6 weeks seems like forever.

Dont need to say much in this one

2010-07-19T15:50:00.000-07:00

Torn MCL along with several other ligaments...dislocated kneecap, will continue to swell until fixed due to the constant trauma of knee floating. Great....going to require surgery and at least 12 week recovery.....now I am really depressed.....but what can I do...

Pain, pain, and more pain

2010-07-17T18:33:00.000-07:00

Let me start off by saying I have a whole lot in my life to be thankful for and enjoy. That being said,I think this leg injury may just kill me. Short of the time when I broke my back. This is constant pain 24/7. Nothing helps just maybe takes the edge off. I am beyond miserable. I cannot move without pain. My leg and ankle and foot is so swollen it hurts. If I move the wrong way, my kneecap slips out of the socket and that is a whole different kind of pain. IT will be a week tomorrow and I guess I expected some sort of relief.....it takes me almost 5 minutes to get from my bed to the bathroom in my bedroom.....I dont know what I am looking for here.....but someone throw me a bone.

Feeling sad and lost

2010-05-20T10:23:00.000-07:00

I know we all have times when sometimes life feels like it sucks....now dont get me wrong. I love my family and I am a very blessed person. On the flipside of that story, I have a huge amount of regrets in my life and they just wear on me and drag me down. My house seems to always be in a state of chaos....it bothers me and depresses me which causes an endless circle. A lot of the time, I have no motivation to do anything about it because in less then 10 minutes it will be back where it started. Not a good way to be that is for sure. Also my husband is great with money, me not so much. I like to shop and there are times I buy things that may not be needed but then I expect money to be there for projects and trips and such....then it isnt which is all my fault. That also wears on me more then anyone can imagine. For my sanitiy IT needs to change. I feel that because of all this, it adds more stress which doesnt make me a very good mother or wife....I wish I could snap my fingers and the people from clean house could come and make it all go away. To me, I look at the big picture and all I see in front of me is a huge mountain that I cannot climb, so why even try. I can't look at the small one because the big one is too monumental in size. Here lies the problem, change......it has to happen now....but how to start without getting overwhelmed and wanting to quit. We will see where this road leads in the coming weeks. Maybe having it all out in the open is my first huge step to sucess.

Oh man, do I need a nap and a drink

2010-05-19T15:50:00.000-07:00

Today was CRAZY....crazy busy. I got home for the first time at 3:30 after leaving at 8:30 and it has been non stop go ever since. Let see here is how my day went.

9:00 Swim lessons for Kaitlyn
10:25 pick up Julie from school
11:45 Kaitlyn appt with GI dr, who was running 45 minutes late so we had to hurry since we were 45 minutes away from
1:30 Kaitlyn speech therapy
2:30 Julie Riding lesson

so now I am home and my day continues

3:45 Girls in bath getting hair washed
4:15? Drain backyard pond and collect fish to give away
6:00 meet lady with Koi to give to her
6:30 Dinner at Red Hawk....

I am already so tired.....

So to update everything Kaitlyn is going to be flushed out again since her belly is distended and she needs to poop(mom and dad have sucked at giving her meds lately, so we have to back track). Then we are going to start her back on daily laxatives. Meanwhile, I have to take her to the lab for blood work(so not looking forward to that) because her belly has so much distention that her Dr wants to make sure it is not Celiac disease and she also wants to check her Thyroid. She started her 1st session with the speech therapist now that all the testing is done and hopefully that will go well. She is also in swim class and doing great.

As for Julie, school is almost over and now we are trying to figure out what camps to put her in for the summer...the fun just keeps on going.

This n' That

2010-04-30T21:19:00.000-07:00

So it has been awhile since I have written so this is just going to be random ramblings about all the happenings going on. Julie has been playing softball and riding horses and seems to be having a lot of fun. I cannot believe that she is almost done with kindergarten and will soon be a 1st grader, man does time fly. Both girls will be starting soccer in August so that should also be a lot of fun. Kaitlyn is getting better everyday and so very smart. I took her to a speech therapist the other day because sometimes she gets harder for me to understand. So during her evalutation her therapist said that she could benefit from speech therapy but thinks what is happening is that she is very smart because she makes much longer sentances then 4 yrs old do, so things get jumbled up and she switches some of her letters and leaves some of her sounds off of the end. She starts therapy on Monday. I am going away on a girls weekend for mothers day so I am looking forward to that and it will give daddy some bonding time with his girls. We have a busy busy week after that, 2 days in LA, then 3 days of camping......I am hardly going to be home....lol. Should be a lot of fun though.

I think 2 is it!

2010-04-01T17:07:00.001-07:00

Okay so for about a year now I have wanted another baby. My husband on the other hand is not on board. I think this past week though I have changed my mind. Here are my reasons. 1st my birthday weekend in Vegas was the best weekend ever. My mom is an angel for keeping my girls for 3 days straight. If I had another child, I couldnt ask her to do that. I already felt guilty enough this time. Also as much as I love my girls, it is nice to get some away time, a new baby would change all that for a long time. I also like to have my girls be involved in activities. Right now Julie is in horseback riding and softball and Kaitlyn does gymnastics and swimming. In the summer they will both be in Soccer which is a lot of money and not to mention time. I see many of my friends with 3 kids and what a struggle it is. I also have 2 healthy girls and when we were in Vegas we saw so many sick and disabled kids. That would affect everyone especially my girls because it would be hard to focus on them anymore if you had a special needs child. My husband and I have talked about adoption and that isnt completly out of the question but I think for now we will stay a happy family of 4.

Change is sometimes bittersweet

2010-02-17T02:23:00.000-08:00

I have come to a point in my life where there are some major things that need to change, but I have been unable to do so. How do you change things that you have done or experienced for as long as you can remember....I am talking 26+ years. I guess I have always to an extent in some parts of my life put others first and sometimes went above and beyond to make someone my friend or keep them as a friend. The older I get in that aspect though I realize that I am too damn old to play some childish games. Either you like me for who I am, or you dont. I no longer want to walk on egg shells around certain people. On the other hand, some change needs to happen to make my husband and my family happier, but once something is so ingrained in you, it is almost like second nature and at times, hard to realize just how bad it is. When I sit down to think about these things, I know they have to change but don't know where exactly to begin for success. Maybe I mean more like long term success, all I know is that I can't go on like I am for it will destroy me.

Okay so now for the bittersweet part. My babies are growing up. Last night we converted Kaitlyn's crib into a full sized bed and her mattress is being delivered today. How is it that my littlest girl is no longer so little. Gone are the days of the crib and as of today the toddler bed, and since my husband says that he is done having little ones(although I would like just one more), it is a sad goodbye to the baby days. My kids are growing up and sometimes it feels like they need me less and less. Yes, it is bittersweet. A necessary evil. Your goal as a mom is to raise kind, and caring children that can turn out to be wonderful people as they grow up, but at times it happens way to fast. I dont know what the next 5 yrs will hold for us, I would like to have a little one all over again, and maybe this time not be so rushed to have them hit the next stage. But as for now, I will try to stop time a little and savor more moments within the day, even those that may be hard, for I know all to soon I will look back and realize what a small blip in life that was and how truly fast it goes.

I can't believe it has been 6 yrs

2010-01-23T06:44:00.000-08:00

At this time 6 yrs ago, my water had already broken and I was taking a shower and eating some cereal before heading off to the hospital. With nervous anticipation we headed to the hospital mid morning. By that eve, we had a beautiful baby girl that looked just like her daddy. Who would have known how much my life was going to change and all for the good. Looking back now it seems like it was just yesterday, but in truth it has been 6 yrs. I have a beautiful, smart, and caring kindergardner. She has taught me so much in life and she is such a blessing. I love you baby...happy birthday to my girl!!

Of Course

2010-01-20T07:36:00.000-08:00

So we had a great time in Reno this weekend and as we were leaving, Kaitlyn came down sick. So it was good that we were heading home. Then on Monday, Julie started out with my horrible cough....I know she is miserable because I know that I was. All I was thinking was that she is the superstar in class this week and the whole week is about her and this comes up. So she went to school yesterday and then last night she came in crying that her head hurt so bad, she was burning up and feeling like crap. Uh oh....so this morning she had a 101.6 fever and looked horrible. I didnt want her to miss school due to her special week but I knew she needed to stay in bed. Bummer...now I only hope that she is better before her big birthday party this Sat....that would be horrible. Lets keep our fingers crossed.

Almost a New Year already

2009-12-30T07:48:00.001-08:00

I don't know where this year has gone....it went by so fast...I can't believe that Christmas is over too...wow. It has been a busy year for us and the girls are growing up so fast I can't believe it. Julie is almost 6, most days going on 16 and Kaitlyn is 3 1/2. It seems like just yesterday when everyone was here for her birth. So now it is time for my new years resolutions and I am going to try very very hard to stick to these, maybe even making a reward system for me if I stick to them.

My 2010 Resolutions

1. My husband is a great man, wonderful father, and patient with me. I am truly blessed to have him in my life. MY RESOLUTION IS TO BE A BETTER WIFE IN ALL ASPECTS. MORE UNDERSTANDING, CARING, LOVING, HELPING, ETC.

2. I have 2 great girls, but sometimes I lose my temper and patience...I know we all probably do at times being a mom. MY RESOLUTION IS TO BE A BETTER MOTHER, MORE PATIENT AND INTERACTIVE WITH MY CHILDREN EVEN WHEN I AM TIRED OR SICK.

3. Work more on my financial goals. I RESOLVE TO SPEND AND USE MONEY MORE WISELY AS IT AFFECTS EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY.

4. I RESOLVE TO BE MORE SYMPATHETIC AND CARING TO OTHERS WHEN I AM IN A HURRY, who knows how bad their day is going.

5. LOVE MYSELF AND FORGIVE ALL OF MY MANY FLAWS.

6. LOVE MY BODY AND STRIVE TO MAKE IT HEALTHIER.

7. HAVE ANOTHER BABY ....(I thought maybe I could sneak this one in, although I know my husband is saying there is no way...)

So here is to a great 2010...hope everyone has a wonderful year.

Why does it seem so hard

2009-11-03T15:08:00.000-08:00

I admit, when I was a kid and my mom always wanted me to clean up, I never realized why it bothered her so much. She could just close the door and hide my mess, for years we argued about this and I always thought it was such a petty thing....well lets just say that now I have kids and I have payback x2. Why is it so hard to get a 5 yr old to clean up after herself. She can come up with every excuse in the book and I look at her and wonder where in the world did she get that one from. Then I clean up and turn around and I think that a tornado has just touched down in the exact spot that I just cleaned and destroyed everything I did...not only that but somehow it seemed to also add to the never ending laundry and dish pile on top of everything else. I think us moms need some special energy juice just to keep up with the kids, house, meals, school, etc. Before I had kids, I never thought that it could be this hard. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids to pieces and I enjoy them, but I wish they came with a clean up button already installed....

One thing I left out

2009-10-29T21:06:00.000-07:00

As I was reading back my earlier post about how things fall into place, there was one critical thing I left out. Yesterday, I couldn't find my cell phone, despite the fact that I knew that I had it the night before. This morning before the whole car issue, Adam went out to my car to get Julie's lunchbox so that I could pack it for her and out of the blue decided to look for my phone. Not being able to find it in my car, he called it and heard it ring...in the grass in the middle of the lawn. After thinking how that could have happened, I came to the conclusion that it must have fallen out of my pocket two days earlier when I got home on Tues night from the store, because we were out in the dark, trying to stake up our tree from the wind to save it, which means that it was out there all day and night until this morning. Thankfully my phone is waterproof so no problem there...but can you imagine if we didn't look for it this morning or Adam didn't find it and I would have been stuck on the side of the road in the cold with no cell phone...oh my gosh......like I said things happen in weird ways.

It may suck, but it could have been worse

2009-10-29T13:37:00.000-07:00

I think it is strange how everything seems to fall into place sometimes...even at the bad times. Let's take this morning for example. Kaitlyn had a late school start because they were having a Halloween party so she didn't have to be at school until 10. A friend invited us over to her house for a play date before the party from 9-10. Well I was not really motivated to get moving this morning and all us moms know how that is, but I decided to suck it up and get a move on. So we left our house about 8:30 to head to the gas station and then on to our friends house. About 5 minutes into our trip all of a sudden my car makes a weird motion(don't know how to explain the feel) and will no longer really drive forward...great. Well by the grace of god, I managed to get it a few feet out of the road and happen to be by a place in the road that had a large shoulder(it is a fast two lane road). How I managed that, I have no clue because right after we got it there, nothing....it was still running, but wouldn't move. Kaitlyn kept telling me to go and asking why the car was stopped and that she wanted to get to her friends house....so here I am stuck on the side of the road..needing gas, and did I mention it was 40 degrees outside. So I call my husband, then I call the friend whose house I was going to and thankfully she was leaving to take her son to school so then she just drove to where I was to pick up Kaitlyn so she wouldn't miss her party and also because we were freezing since I couldn't let the car run with the heater when we were almost out of gas. In hindsight, I guess I could have just let it run and run out of gas, since it had to be towed anyhow. Then I called AAA and they said it would be 20-30 minutes. I then called me husband back and told him that he needed to leave work and come and get me so that we can follow the car to the shop and then be able to pick up Julie...wow. What a morning. I froze even though I was covered with a blanket and had my jacket on. Well my husband and the tow truck arrived about a minute apart and they hooked it off and on we went. Let's just say that we just paid this car off....yeah!! Well so far we had to fix a panel on the transmission 2 months ago which wasn't cheap, last month the battery died, and now this. My husband and I were both pretty sure it was the transmission so we were trying to decide if it was worth fixing since we were planning on buying a new car next year or if we should just bite the bullet now. So it turns out that it is the transmission which is going to cost between 2200 - 2800. We then decided that we really couldn't afford to take on a new car payment right now so we decided to have it fixed, which means it has to be towed again to a different shop that does transmissions.....I GUESS I KNOW WHAT MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT IS.

On the other end of this, if my friend had not invited us over this morning and had I not decided to get out and go, we would have been stuck on the side of the road and then been late for or missed the party altogether which would have been a major problem since this is all she talked about for the last week. It also just happened to work with her schedule that she was dropping her son off anyhow so she would be out and could pick up Kaitlyn. For some weird reason, I made it to the side of the road and out of danger and my husband didn't have a meeting that he was in, so he was able to easily leave work to come and help me out. So I guess if you are a glass half full kind of person, it turned out to all work out in the end....

Family in crisis and other ramblings....

2009-10-21T20:51:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have moments in your life when you wonder why things happen to people. Well as most people know my cousin who is 32 was diagnosed with Stage 3 colon cancer about 4 months ago. She just had a new baby and also has a 3 yr old and I cannot imagine what she has been going through. She has been having treatments with radiation and chemo...well last week she had a new MRI to check how things were going...the results were horrible. It has now spread from her colon and they have now found it in her hip bone....as she put it, her life sucks right now. They are now going to put her on high doses or radiation for 12 weeks, 24 hrs a day. I cannot imagine having a new baby and a toddler and having to face something like this. I am not overly religious but I am going to be praying and praying for her...I think one of the fears of a parent is not being able to watch your children grow up.

On a more positive note, we all had a blast this weekend camping....we also went to an amusement park and the boardwalk. The kids had tons of rides all weekend and none of us were ready to go home(ok maybe my husband was). It is so cute to watch them grow and change and experience all the new things that come along with life. Julie is doing great in school and loves it, we have her 1st parent/teacher conference Nov 6th so it should be interesting to see what her teacher has to say. Tomorrow I am going on a field trip with 3 of the kindergarten classes up to apple hill so that should be interesting and hopefully fun, although she has another bladder infection so she has been grumpy for the last few days...hopefully the meds will kick in and make things better.

All in a weekend..

2009-10-05T14:28:00.000-07:00

I don't think we even had a weekend...it seemed to fly by in the blink of an eye and before I knew it, it was Monday and back to school. Friday after Julie had school my mom and the kids and I headed out the wheatland, which is about an hr drive to our favorite pumpkin patch, hoping to beat the crowds of the coming weekend. We had a great time, and it is so weird to think that 5 yrs ago, I was there with Julie and she was the little one in the stroller. So after the train ride, the pony rides, the marble panning and the slides, we took the hay ride out to the pumpkin patch to search for pumpkins. Kaitlyn was really into it this year and kept telling everyone on the hayride that she was getting 2 pumpkins, one big and one small. So we trudged through the fields and selected 5 pumpkins...(yeah picture us trying to carry all of that back to the wagon). As I was walking out of the field something bit my ankle...but I figured who knows what the heck is in there. After the hay ride we got a snack and as we were eating our snack, my mom kept getting bit by mosquitoes...I thought they were done for the year but she swore she kept seeing them. Later that night as I counted the bites on me, I guess she was right. I had a bunch also. Julie had one on her arm and Kaitlyn didn't seem to have any. When Sat came around we were on our way to the lake with friends to go for one last boat ride and rafting trip before the nice weather came to an end. Julie said her arm really itched and it was for sure swollen and red and she had a nice sized bug bite, but I didn't think to much of it, because I had a bunch of itchy things on me too. Well Sunday morning when she woke up, her arm was huge and hard as a rock and warm and red all around the bug bite...so we decided to take her to urgent care before we had to run her to a birthday party. Good thing we did, turns out she now has an infection that turned into a cellulitis. They put her on two antibiotics because it was so bad and the size of the redness around it was now 6cm....it looked horrible. So they sent us home with meds, told us to keep a heating pad on it and give her Motrin for the swelling. Now the bad thing is that when she is on antibiotics it makes her grumpy...so take her normal grump when she is on antibiotics and multiply by 5..I sure don't know if I can take 10 days of this and of course my husband wont be home tonight or tomorrow night to help out.....I may need a spa weekend after it is all said and done.

Too scary for preschool

2009-09-23T14:25:00.001-07:00

Okay so all of you that know me, know that I am the biggest animal lover that there is...the problem is that I have a problem with the newest pet at Kaitlyn's preschool. It is a tarantula...now yes I hate spiders but that is not my concern. Tarantulas are peaceful by nature, but if a 3 yr old comes up to you and shakes your plastic house, I don't know how peaceful it can be. Tarantulas are venomous, a bite they say is like a bee sting...painful, but the web says rarely results in death.....OKAY...what about any of that makes the teacher think that this is an okay pet to have in a class with twelve 3 yr olds...and if one just happens to drop the cheap plastic container that it is in, the lid will come off and there will be a spider on the loose....lets not even imagine how that is going to end. It also states that the hair of the spider can cause severe irritation to skin...okay so how do I bring this up to the teacher without her getting defensive....I am paying good money to send my kid to this school and let me tell you what, if my kid was to get bit by a spider that she had as a pet..we are going to have a problem.....

It could be a form of torture...

2009-09-14T14:05:00.000-07:00

So as most of you know, I have been seeing a Dr about a nerve injury that I received from a blood draw while I was in the ER back in Feb. It has not gone away so I was referred to a neurologist for nerve conduction studies or EMG, along with a nerve conduction velocity test. I have been dreading this all weekend although I knew that in order for me to possibly heal and have the hospital take responsibility I would need to have these tests done. So in I went today. Well let me try and describe it. The 1st part put electrodes on my hand/arm and then use a large probe...kind of like a griddle plug that delivers a short electrical current...so it starts out little and strange since a part of your nerve jumps. Then you hear her turn up the current and move it around your arm...not a good feel, she continues to turn it up until she gets all the results. Actually my arm still does not feel right. Then she moves to the other arm to compare. After that torture is done, she then takes 2 small finger rings and places them tight around your fingers and sends electric currents through those. After the 30 minutes of being electrocuted goes by, she then takes out 4 probably 7 inch needles and jabs them into different places in both arms to see the response to those. Thankfully that is the end of the torture. While I was walking out I think there was still current flowing through my body. She did tell me that the pinkie on my good hand, has bad nerve function and is numb and should feel like it is asleep. Now I have to return in 2 weeks for the results from my torture test. Lets just say, I am glad it is over and I sure hope I never have to experience that again.

2 weeks down

2009-09-05T17:35:00.000-07:00

Well it has been 2 weeks since my baby has been in Kindergarten...she loves school and is already upset that she has to be off school for 3 whole days this week due to the holiday...it is a little weird on the days when both girls are in school. When I picked her up from school on Friday some little boy in her classroom called to her and said , "bye, Princess". On Thursday, I went to the Dr's and everyone asked me where the girls were and I said they were both in school....it felt weird but nice. The only problem is they are growing up so fast. Julie is no longer a little girl, she is now a girl. Very grown up and smart. Kaitlyn is in the throws of terrible 3's, being a pill all the time...despite all that, I would not change anything. I love being a mom and watching my kids grow and change....so now I am ready for number 3, since my little ones are getting all grown up...any ideas how to convince my husband that he is ready too??

Back to the real world

2009-08-19T21:25:00.000-07:00

Well the in-laws left tonight, headed back to NY..good thing for them I guess since my father in law is sick, but sucky for me...it never seems like they stay quite long enough and it was a blessing they were here because they helped with the kids since I am getting over being sick and they kept me busy and my mind off of things so I didn't think about my grandma passing away as much. Then they left tonight and it was like all those emotions hit me hard, I cried they were leaving, I cried because my grandma was gone.....I just cried. I think now these next couple days will be hard that during the day it will once again just be me and the kids....

Tired today

2009-08-10T19:48:00.000-07:00

So today is day 3 of my vigil at my grandmas bedside....I am TIRED, physically, emotionally...tired. I have been here since 10 am this morning and it is now 8 pm....I will be here for a few more hours before heading home and then back again early tomorrow...more family is here today. Tom has been here for the day, the kids were here all day with their cousin and a constant presence of a nurse since my grandma is no longer stable. She is now on O2 and seems to be comfortable as long as we keep up with the pain meds on a regular basis. We are just praying she will hold on until tomorrow. Her son and daughter from back east will be here by the afternoon. I am still not sure she will make it, but we will pray. She can no longer speak and has a buildup in her throat so she does a lot of gurgling, but her heart rate is still strong and her blood pressure is still up. So I am on my way back upstairs to sit a little longer.......

The shit is hitting the fan

2009-08-09T11:56:00.000-07:00

Well I guess when it rains, it pours.....as you may or may not know my Grandmother is very ill and dying, so I have been at my moms holding a vigil and trying to help out the best that I can, since no other family is here to help out or is even on the way. The hospice nurse said that she probably had a few days to a week left....couple with that, my in laws are coming out on Thursday....and my house needs to be cleaned, we are having a birthday party for Kaitlyn on Sunday and nothing is ready for that, the cake is not ordered...nothing....then I wake up this morning and now I am sick...coming down with a cold or something, but I feel like crap....than Adam tells me he thinks he is getting sick too......does God have anything else he would like to add to my plate??

Anxiety and clutter make for a bad combo

2009-08-06T16:17:00.000-07:00

So for those who have known me a while, you all know that I have anxiety....but some may not realize to what extent. Anyhow, some things it is minor, others huge. Well lets just say that my house and life also has clutter and those 2 things together can be a horrible combination. So I have been trying to de clutter and make room in my house and my life. I rearranged Kaitlyn's room, I have been trying just to get rid of things that I know have not been used in months, but it is hard to look at the big picture when there are so many little steps. Everything you read says just do a little at a time and break it into 15 minute clumps...it doesn't all need to get done at once, but for me 15 minutes makes me feel like it will never ever be finished and then comes the anxiety followed by the depression. Take today for example. I spent an hour and a half cleaning out the garage...filling up a whole garbage can and recycle bin, and making 3 large bags for donation. I look at what I have done and I think WOW....you did a lot(well when looking at a little picture). Then I look at the big picture and think, what a waste, this is never going to be finished and then it gets frustrating and upsetting and I just want to give up.....I guess it doesn't help that neither my husband or I are neat freaks. I have told my husband that we need to hire a professional organizer because I think that a lot of this stuff for it to get accomplished is beyond the 2 of us. He being an engineer thinks it is a waste of money to do that...so here I am back at square 1. I should be thrilled that the garage is coming together and Kaitlyns room looks great, but instead I am unhappy about how much more we have to go......

I took the leap surprising even myself

2009-07-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

So the gym that I belong to, is having an 8 week body challenge. What it is, you pay a fee and you have weekly weigh in's and then you get 2 group personal training sessions a week for 6 weeks. Then two weeks on your own. At the end of 8 weeks the person who has lost the biggest percentage will win. They have a bunch of different prizes etc. When I saw the form, it was like a light bulb clicked in my head. Usually I say to those things why the hell would you pay for something like that on top of the gym membership price. This time, I know the reason. I need to have a drastic change like that. What I am doing is not working so I need to change it and step it up a whole lot. Wish me luck as I embark on this journey.

Do you remember back when?

2009-07-01T14:19:00.000-07:00

The other day, I was tired and stressed so I wanted to take a hot bath since my 2 yr old was taking her nap. As I grabbed my book and headed for the tub I realized that I had to take the million toys out 1st. So I was thinking about a list of things that changes when you become a parent.

-Do you remember when you could get right in the bath without having to clean out 1o million toys 1st?

-Do you remember when you could go to the bathroom without an audience?

-Do you remember when you could sleep all night without a toy in your little ones crib making noise in the monitor and waking you up?

-Do you remember when you didn't believe that the dish fairy and the laundry fairy existed, but now you wish they would just go away and stop making so much work for you to handle?

-Do you remember when you didn't think it was possible to be groped in so many ways?

-Do you remember being able to wear the same clothes all day without food, or gunk, or unexplainable things on you?

Even though I don't remember much of that, I do know that I wouldn't change anything about it. I have never felt more loved or needed in my life and although sometimes it is hard and tiring, they are worth it!!

do you believe

2009-06-29T14:47:00.000-07:00

Okay so you may or may not believe in this stuff but i am going to share it anyhow. As my best friend and I say, you are surrounded by the love and light. Anyhow, the other day I went to get my hair done while my mom had the kids and so after my hair, I went to her house and she had the kids at the pool, so I was all alone. Anyhow I was in the kitchen making a snack and the phone started doing a weird beeping noise and the display kept changing on it. A little weird considering that it was hung up on the charger but it just happened. So as I continued to make a snack it kept beeping for a few minutes a couple of times every couple of seconds. When it finally stopped, I decided what the heck, maybe someone is trying to tell me something so out loud, I said, "Dad is that you?" By this time the phone wasn't making noise anymore so then I said again, dad if that is you, beep the phone again....immediately the phone beeped one time....... it never happened again the rest of the night.......

A great day and GREAT NEWS!!!

2009-06-24T10:44:00.000-07:00

Let's just say that god must be smiling down on me today! For those who know me, you know that I am not super religious but I do believe. So today I went to my appt with the rheumatologist for my Lupus to see how I am doing, and discuss my lab work. Let's just say that I am feeling great. My lab work is fabulous and my lupus antibody test came back negative!!! Now it does not mean that I am cured as of now, he is still cautious to say that, since we still have one more med to wean off of. But he says that as of this time, I DO NOT have active Lupus. He said that as of now, I don't have anything different then the millions of people that are walking around with a pain here and there but not anything to go to the doctor about. I asked him if I continue, could I not have any more problems the rest of my life and he said for sure....lets keep our fingers crossed and our prayers going. I told my husband, we are going out to dinner to celebrate tonight.

Almost home...

2009-06-17T06:57:00.000-07:00

So I am now on day 5 of being by myself while my husband has gone off to Israel for work, and I have to say that it has not been as hard as I expected. I think being by myself, you kind of get into a routine because you know that it is only you around. Some times have been more trying then not...yesterday was a stressful day, both girls were exhausted and it showed in both of their attitudes. Thankfully most nights, we go to my moms house so I can have a little break which really helps out. I think the hardest part is how much I miss my husband. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, well let me tell you, this is the part that has been miserable. I can't even explain how much I miss having him here at night.....Thank god we only have 2 more days until he is home.....

Off to preschool we go

2009-06-08T21:27:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it, tomorrow is Kaitlyn's 1st day of preschool. It seems like only yesterday I was dropping Julie off for her 1st day, now she is in Kindergarten. Where did the time go?? They grow up so fast...it is going to be bittersweet when I close that door behind me after taking her to school.

Bittersweet ending

2009-05-27T13:56:00.000-07:00

Today was my babies last day of school.....when I went to pick her up and we walked into her classroom they had all of their mats that they sit on out and on top of those were each child's journal. It had something from just about every month that she has been in that school. I wanted to cry. My baby is no longer a baby....where did it all go and so fast. Time flies and I think it really hit me today when I opened up her journal and it had her picture from the 1st day of school......so here is Julie when she started school and Julie now

Bargains, bargains everywhere...

2009-05-25T20:09:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up, my Aunt always bought all of her kids stuff at thrift stores and I thought that was horrible and gross and I said that my kids would never wear stuff from thrift stores....wow, was I a moron. We have a very nice goodwill by our house and while there is still some crap, most of it is nice usable stuff and I have often been able to find great kids clothes there even brands like Gymboree, Gap, Old Navy all for cheap.....well today was the 50% off Memorial Day sale and being that I was just there last week, I didn't think that I would go to this since the last sale they had, no joke people were parked down the street, I mean way down because the parking lot was full, all for Goodwill are you kidding me....well, now I will shut up. Since Adam didn't have work today and he went with us to the girls gymnastics class, I decided to wander over there to goodwill since they opened early for the sale so I figured it wouldn't be too bad yet...boy was I wrong. As I was walking in, some lady that was unloading her cart said that I would not want to go in without a basket cause inside you wont find one so if I wanted I could wait and have hers..I said okay while I was thinking in my mind, they have a bunch of baskets so they can't be out of them.

Then I walked in the store....lets just say in some parts of the store you could not move or get through, people were filling up carts like it was free stuff. So I decided to get a few kids books, some books for me, a couple sunflower nick knacks and then head over to see if I could find any clothes for the kids. As I was walking to the clothing section, I saw the line....no way that couldn't be the line could it...oh yes. Let's just say it wrapped around the ENTIRE STORE!!! I am not exaggerating. So I still went off to the kids section and found some cute clothes and even better I found some for me which is a rare treat. Adam finally joined us and I had him go stand in line....good thing. We ended up waiting in line for an hour and when we got to the front, the manager said it is usually at least a 2 hr line so we hit the store at a good time...lucky us. I did find some great bargains. I found a Lands End winter jacket for Julie that looks like it has never been worn. When I got home, I looked it up on the website and it goes for 69.50. I spent $1.75 on it.....I also got Kaitlyn a cute Gymboree skirt for $1.50 and some cool kids dinner trays for $.20 a piece. All in all I ended up spending $68 bucks which would have been what the jacket alone would have cost new and to think my cart was overflowing with things....As we were checking out a lady came up and asked us if she could follow us to the car to have our cart when we were done. Being that she had like 3 little kids with her, and we were parked by the Gymnastics place I told her that I would bring it back to her. No joke, on the way to the car, people were following us to the car and stopping us to ask if they could have our cart when we were done. At least 6 people came after us for it. I could have sold it to the highest bidder.....

Laundry mountian

2009-05-20T16:03:00.001-07:00

Today while I was reading my sister-in-laws blog, I was cracking up. She was asking how the laundry multiplies on its own and trying to think when it started. I think it starts when you have kids that are walking and older. Our whole bathroom area that is where we put our laundry is designated as "Mount Laundry". Despite doing 2-3 loads per day, I never see the pile get smaller. I think that it reproduces like rabbits because I have not found an effective way to get rid of the issue. So every day and night, we climb the mountain to use the bathroom and sometimes chuckle and wonder where the little elf is hiding that is making the situation even worse....at times, he even sneaks into our sink and plays with the dishes. If anyone knows how to trap him, please pass it on....

2 girls, but so different

2009-05-19T15:19:00.000-07:00

Okay so I have two beautiful girls. Julie was easy until about 4, but she was never as bad as Kaitlyn. I never got to the point where I debated going out places. Now I am at that place. The other day, Kaitlyn and I were shopping in Wal-Mart so we could pick up some things for our camping trip. Well as the cart was getting full, I told her that she would have to walk due to the fact that there was no more room in the cart for her to sit. Well lets talk about a complete meltdown. Refusing to walk, screaming that her boo-boo hurt(a small scrape on her leg that happened a week earlier), and all in all crying like crazy. I calmly told her that she needed to walk and mom was going to keep shopping and she needs to come with me. So I walked around the corner thinking she would worry that I am leaving and of course she was still standing dead still crying in the middle of the isle. I walked back and picked her up and continued to shop and put her in the front of the cart...now she was screaming because she only wanted to ride in the back. A lady who had also been shopping this whole time came up to me and said that she was very impressed how I handled it and that I kept calm the whole time. She told me that it would get easier and I was doing a great job....it makes you feel good when another mom compliments you in that situation.

So lets fast forward to today. I was having a bad day so I decided to take the girls to see my mom at lunch which I think we all needed. I would have a small break and also get to see my mom. It turns out my mom was running late so we went ahead and ordered and of course the girls wanted a small toy from those dumb machines where you pay 50 cents for a penny toy that is crap. So I wanted to keep them happy while I ordered. So as I gave them the money, I reminded Kaitlyn that you can't pick the one you get as she pointed to the one she wanted...well thank god that was the one that came out although she didn't think it was the same, so she starts saying she wants a new one and I told her that you only get one. Well then the drama started. She started crying and screaming that she wanted a new one. I carried her to the table and quietly told her that you get the one that comes out and you can not pick. That next time, she won't get anything if she cries about it...well as the crying got louder and louder, I decided that I couldn't inconvenience the whole restaurant so I asked Julie to please wait in the booth while I took Kaitlyn outside for a time out(since I could see Julie through the window the whole time). So I sat Kaitlyn on the ground and explained to her that when she was done throwing a fit and crying we could go back in and eat our food and get a drink. So I stood there ignoring her while we waited for 5 minutes for her to stop screaming. I asked her if she was done and wanted to try it again and she said yes. So I walked her back inside and placed her in the booth and told her to stay put while I took Julie to get her salad. Once again as I was walking up to the salad bar, a lady on her cell phone stopped me and said that she wanted to commend me on the job that I am doing and how I handled the situation even though she knows how hard it is.......
I guess that I am doing something right even though it is so hard.....At least I am getting a pat on the back...and I want another one....am I crazy????

The good, the bad, and the ugly

2009-05-12T14:31:00.000-07:00

What can I say, we returned from our mother's day camping vacation exhausted, but had a blast. So much so that I think we may make it a family tradition. I have been camping a fair amount in my life but had never been to a KOA campground. Well it was camp and care weekend which benefits kids with cancer and you also got buy one, get one night free and because KOA is a little more expensive then regular camping our friends and I decided to try it out. So off we went to the Petaluma/South San Francisco KOA. My mom also decided to join us so we opted for a cabin rental(which slept her and the girls and Adam and I got the tent outside...lol), and our friends got an RV site for their monster of an RV. When we arrived, we checked in and got a list of activities...which I thought was cool and it would keep the kids busy. Lets just say the 1st night the kids went on a hayride, had an ice cream social and had a blast while they also visited the petting zoo. The second day we took a drive to the redwoods since our friends husband had never been there. When we got back we had lunch and then went on a waterslide/bounce and went to a pool party followed again by a hay ride and a meet the animals at the petting zoo. Mothers day morning they had a free pancake breakfast for all the moms. It was a great trip. Hanging out with my family relaxing and having my mom along was great. I was also very proud of my husband, because they had free Wi-Fi so of course he brought his computer but I razzed him about it for we were only there for 3 days and he didn't get it out once...The only bad part is that the weekend was over to fast, but it is something that I think we will repeat next year.

Now for the bad, my husband is off to Israel for a week and I really do not want him to go. I am so scared for him to be going there since it isn't the safest place to go and he is so very far away. As everyone knows I worry about every little thing, from the plane crashing, to something bad there happening. I knew it would happen eventually for his work, but I am not ready. Then I feel guilty because when he is gone, I put Julie in a summer camp that is from 9-4. It will be a great break for me, but I feel bad like I am pawning her off. I don't know how people work and leave their babies and kids to be taken care of by someone else all the time. So much of things that they do are missed, and I give those moms credit for although being a stay at home mom is challenging, I am with my kids all the time, and before I know it they will be all grown up.

Now for the ugly. My grandma came home from her second stay in the hospital on Mother's day and although she is looking much better we know it is only a matter of time. Her body is failing and shutting down, she wont eat enough so she doesn't have enough protein and other vital things in her body which isn't helping matters. Worst of all, today her Dr decided that it was time to put her in hospice care. Although she will remain at my moms house, she will have a nurse visit her 4 times per week. It will help my mom out, but it is just another reminder of how short her time left really is.

Swine Flu??

2009-04-28T13:58:00.000-07:00

Okay so is anyone else freaking out about this new swine flu or is it just me...everyday or even hour that I go on the internet they are talking about more and more people dying or coming down with this. It is spreading like wildfire. They are all saying it is not cause for alarm yet...yeah right. I think they are just trying to cover their ass. I worry most about my kids. Thank god they are not in daycare but we still frequently visit kid filled places and it seems now like everyone everywhere is at risk. Someone next to you could cough or sneeze and they could have it and just not know and boom you are infected which spreads to your family, neighborhood etc. At what point do we panic? Our Governor just declared a State of Emergency for California due to the swine flu and they dont think it is time for panic??? They say this could turn into a pandemic.....HELLO>>> anyone know the definition of a PANDEMIC.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), a pandemic can start when three conditions have been met:[1]
Emergence of a disease new to a population.
Agents infect humans, causing serious illness.
Agents spread easily and sustainably among humans.
A disease or condition is not a pandemic merely because it is widespread or kills many people; it must also be infectious. For instance, cancer is responsible for many deaths but is not considered a pandemic, because the disease is not infectious or contagious

Yes, I think it is time to get serious and the press stop writing this off as no big deal. People in the US are starting to die from this. I would say that it is a big deal. Here is a link to a government web site that has a great checklist for families and individuals to prepare for this...anyone else worried about this..let me know. http://www.pandemicflu.gov/plan/individual/index.html

Tahoe here we come.....

2009-04-24T22:40:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow we leave for Squaw Valley Ski Resort, the 2nd largest ski resort in the US. Julie is going to try her hand at Skiing for the very 1st time.....Kaitlyn is dying to try to, but you have to be 3, so she will have to wait until next year. As for Julie, that is all she can talk about. So the kids and I will drive up tomorrow, have some fun in the snow, stay at a hotel and then daddy will either come up tomorrow night or Sunday morn( all depending on how much time he spends in San Fran for the big stamp show!! ...all in all I think it should be a great time. The kids have been asking to go to the snow and we are almost out of time before the snow melts. Julie is also on the verge of losing her 2 front bottom teeth. I can't believe how big she is getting and how fast she is growing up. Her last day of Pre-K is May 29th and then it is on to kindergarten ....OMG!!

In other news, I saw the podiatrist today and it is back to wearing my walking cast for another 5 weeks, physical therapy 2x per week and 24/7 medication patches on my foot...you got to be kidding me....lol.

Well hopefully we will get out of the high 90's for awhile, because I can't imagine having that cast on in this heat....if that happens it is going to be a very very long summer.

The state of the world

2009-04-07T07:35:00.001-07:00

Do realize that everyday this world gets more and more scary. Scary for us, scary for our kids....I am really down today. 2 weeks ago a little 8 yr old girl was skipping down the road in front of her house and disappeared. Police and search teams looked everywhere for her, including a room by room search of 3 local hotels. Yesterday they found her body stuffed inside a suitcase in an irrigation canal wearing the same clothes as when she disappeared. What the hell is wrong with people. What kind of freak gets off from taking and killing a little girl. She was only 3 years older then Julie and she only lived like 4 hrs from here.

What happened to the days when you could be a kid and play outside and walk to your friends house or the park and be gone all day having fun and just being a kid. Now it is like we have to lock our kids in the backyard to play. It is getting so bad, that I worry about sending Julie to public school soon. How do you know a weirdo isn't waiting around there. I know it isn't good to be to overly cautious and paranoid, but at what point can you stop being so. It is a scary scary world out there and a place where our kids cant even be kids anymore.....so very sad.

The ending of an Era

2009-03-16T20:18:00.001-07:00

How do you close the chapter on 30 years of your life?? That is a question that I have no idea how to answer. The truth is, my grandma is dying. At this point, no one is sure she will even make it to her birthday in April. She told her daughter who is coming out for Easter to make sure that her plane ticket is refundable, because she doesn't think she will make it that long. As each day passes, that thought hits closer and closer to home. Sometimes she is lucid, but most of the time not. When she is lucid, she is in such severe pain that she can't stand it. She can no longer get up on her own, she needs help in every aspect of her life and care. It is so hard to watch someone dying right in front of you and even though you know that it is on the horizon, in no way does it ease the pain or heartache. I know that one day very very soon, I will walk into my mothers house and there will be a terrible void. There will be an empty feeling not seeing her around and being her loving stubborn self. Although I will be happy that she is no longer suffering and in terrible pain, my heart will be broken for all that I will have lost and my children will have lost. I just try and think what a blessing that she got to see my children and that Julie will always remember her now that I know she is old enough. What a great thing to be able to have a great grandma around.....I know that she has a place in my daughters heart for all time. When that time finally comes....we are sure going to miss BIG MAMA!!! So pray for her and send her good loving thoughts......I know we will.

A truley enjoyable time

2009-03-10T09:56:00.000-07:00

So this morning ended our 5 day visit with the in-laws and I have to say that other then when my 2 girls were born and they came out, this was the most enjoyable. Now that the girls are older and they know who Grandma Shelly and Papa are, it is so great to see them interact. My father in law actually slept on the floor of Kaitlyn's room the whole time on a mattress. She loved that!! I was so thankful they were here to give me a little break since I am still recovering. As this morning got closer, I was so sad. I DID NOT want them to leave. 5 days went so quick and I wish that they would have stayed longer. I hope that next time they will. It is so great to make such wonderful memories. Both girls woke up this morning asking for them and they were disappointed to know that the day had come that they had to go home....they plan to return in August and we already can't wait.

When you find out who your true friends are

2009-02-25T13:12:00.000-08:00

Yes, this is going to be a winy complaint filled post, but oh well. If you don't want to read it, then don't. Lets go back to last Friday...everyone else in my family has bronchitis and is on antibiotics(Kaitlyn also has an ear infection) Anyhow I started to get a cough on Friday and I was thinking oh no, please don't let me get this since I had just finished the antibiotics for my sinus infection the day before. So as the weekend progressed, my cough started to get worse and worse. Sunday I decided to go to urgent care. They told me that I probably had bronchitis too but they didn't want to give me antibiotics since I just finished a course so they sent me home with some cough medicine that didn't work. As Tuesday came around, I was feeling like crap, I had a fever, the chills, and a cough that I thought was going to hack up a lung and I felt like I was going to collapse, so I made a Dr's appt for 3pm that day. As noon rolled around, I realized that I couldn't make it until 3, so I dropped the kids off at daycare and headed to the ER. Boy am I glad that I did. I have a bad case of Pneumonia....so they gave me 2 strong IV antibiotics and fluids and debated if the should admit me or not. Because of my Lupus, my body is less able to cope with such things and I am also on a drug that suppresses your immune system. To make matters worse, when they were drawing my blood, they hit a deep nerve in my arm....(how the hell they did that I have no idea since I have blood draws every 6 weeks and come on, I am 30 so I have had a lot)anyhow, my arm went straight up and a stabbing pain shot from my elbow all the way to the bottom of my wrist. I was in tears.....even after she was done, my hand was numb and my arm was full of pain. Well, today, I am unable to use my arm, for if I move it, I have a stabbing pain in my wrist and my hand, then my hand goes numb. It is supposed to get better in a week or so....great. So to make a long story a little shorter, they sent me home, with strict instructions that I am not like most people who have this. I am more compromised and I need to go home, stay in bed and rest for 2-3 days until I feel stronger and then I need to start back slow. Well, my husband told me that he couldn't miss work and I cant chase after the kids, because as it is, it is hard to breathe and if I move it is 10 times worse.

So I called my "good friend" and asked her if it was possible that Adam drop Julie off after school and then pick her up on the way home from work because Kaitlyn will be napping and I can stay in bed. Well, she said that she couldn't watch her because she had to finish Vacuuming and mopping(her already spotless house). Well that was a kick in the face. So I tried the next person with whom I left a message on their voicemail and they just never called me back. What a feeling, to know that when you are in a bind, no one gives a shit. People who are supposed to be good friends, look for excuses not to help out. Whatever happened to the days when people went out of their way for others in times like this. I know if they had called me, I would have made a way to make it happen. I guess people like that are far and few between. One person who I wouldn't have called a friend before a few months ago, showed her true colors when I broke my foot. Despite her having 4 little kids of her own, she cooked us dinner, made us goodies, watched Kaitlyn and Julie and picked up Julie from school and brought her to my house so that I wouldn't have to go out. She is an angel in disguise. I thought about calling her, but she has helped me so much, I just couldn't do it. When you get older, you have a few select friends and you want to keep those friends that you have, I guess it just makes me sad and hurts my feelings to know that when I need help, they wont be there for me. So I lay here alone, feeling like I was hit by a train and struggling to breathe. I just pray to god I get better soon.

Here are the lyrics to a country song that I have always liked and I guess it really came into play today.

Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere
Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare
This is where the rubber meets the road
This is where the cream is gonna rise
This is what you really didn't know
This is where the truth don't lie

{Chorus}
You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who your friends are

Everybody wants to slap your backwants to shake your handwhen you're up on top of that mountain
But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up and see who's around then
This ain't where the road comes to an end
This ain't where the bandwagon stops
This is just one of those times when
A lot of folks jump off

{Chorus}

When the water's high
When the weather's not so fair
When the well runs dry
Who's gonna be there?

Enough is enough!!

2009-02-17T20:03:00.000-08:00

I AM SO READY FOR THIS WINTER SICK SEASON TO BE OVER......

Okay so now that I said it, I want you to know that I mean it...we have all been sick for one time or another for 2 months straight now....and I have had enough. I am tired of snot, and coughing, and vomit, and grumpiness........Julie had the horrible long cold that we all have had and now she has a bad case of bronchitis and is on antibiotics, now it is spreading to Kaitlyn and she is once again sick with a cold and no longer has a voice and her raw nose was just finally starting to heal....please help us!!! On the flip side of all that....Julie had her 5 yr/school check up today and she is doing great and everything is right on track. Now we just have to go back to the urologist next month to make sure her bladder is okay and then we should be set. I cannot believe that I am going to have a kindergartner in a few months.

Also since it was a long weekend this week, I finally got our playroom started and finished. We have a large bonus room upstairs that was not used for much, so we decided to turn it into a playroom. We installed lower handrails for the kids and moved all of the toys upstairs so they can have their own space. It is actually nice. Slowly things are all falling in place. Also on Friday we had snow which made my year and the kids loved it. I just wish that Julie wasn't feeling so crappy that day and could have enjoyed it more. Oh well, we are planning on spending a weekend in Tahoe in a week or two because Julie wants to learn how to ski...so we will see how that will go.

Why

2009-01-29T14:56:00.000-08:00

So why is it that when you really really want to and NEED to take a nap...nothing ever falls into place. I am still very sick....it has been a week and I dont think that I am at all better. I feel like crap.....I am waiting to just wake up and at least say that I feel a little better...but not so far. SO even though I felt like crap, I wanted to tire the kids out today because I really needed a nap. So off we went to Chuck E Cheese to use the tokens that we had left from Sat birthday party. We were the only ones there which was nice. Anyhow, we spent an 1 1/2 there and then I took the girls to lunch with both of them saying they were tired. I told Julie that today she was taking a nap since I have only slept about 10 hrs in the last 4 nights and am past the point of exhaustion. So we got home and Kaitlyn still had not fallen asleep and I put her in her crib and sent Julie off to her room and layed down in bed...thank god.....about 5 minutes later Kaitlyn was yelling for me that she dropped her rubber worm that she won at Chuck E Cheese and I ignored her and closed my eyes. Then Julie came in and said that she was done with her nap(which she didn't even take) and told me that she wanted a snack and threw a package in my now sleeping face for me to open.....I turned on a show for her and promptly went back to laa laa land. Kaitlyn as of now was still not sleeping but quiet. Another 5 minutes goes by and Julie wakes me up and tells me that the doorbell rang and I told her that was okay, I wasn't going to answer it. Then the phone rings and it turns out that the person at the door is the repair man for the heater that wasn't working right last night...so nowI am sitting here with a cranky 2 yr old, a bitchy sick tired mother, and a repair man complaining about the crappy job those guys did putting our system in....great that gives me confidence.......

Frozen

2009-01-28T14:45:00.000-08:00

So after much waiting(years to be exact) we had people come to install a new heat pump in our house.......I was so excited. They arrived around 8 in the morning and my husband had stayed home from work because I had things to do in the morning. Cut to last night....at around 3pm my husband asked them about how much longer they had..in response they said 4 hrs. When 4 hrs was up, they came and said they had some bad news. They wouldn't be able to finish tonight and we wouldn't have heat....are you kidding me......they gave us a small space heater and then they went and bought a radiator for us to use...except they didn't think about us having kids and pets and that if you touch the radiator you are going to burn yourself. Also it was already 38 outside....so we all headed upstairs since heat rises and put the small space heater in the animal room so the birds wouldn't die and brought the large radiator upstairs with us. We put it behind the baby gate so no one could touch it...so here we are freezing cold, with 3 of us sick, sleeping on the floor upstairs......lets just say, I did not get very much sleep at all and I think I am still frozen....at least they got the heater to work...if it only had a defrost mode...

Our Vacation to Disneyworld!!

2009-01-14T12:30:00.000-08:00

So we just returned back from 5 days of Disney world with my in-laws and their parents...I know what you are thinking...oh GOD.....yes that is the reaction I got from everyone about how very brave I was and how it was going to be torture for me....well it was actually nice...the only thing that I would have changed is I was a little grumpy because I am tired of having a cast on my foot and having to be pushed around in a wheelchair our whole vacation and on top of that my Grandma back home was very sick and I was not sure that she was going to be okay when I returned. The kids had fun...they loved seeing their grandma and grandpa who we only usually see about 2 times per year and they were excited to see great Papa and Great Mama too....Kaitlyn wanted to go on and do everything she could, and Julie on the other hand is in the stage where she is scared of everything and did not want to do anything. Of course, Kaitlyn has been dealing with constipation for a long time and in Disney we had started her on a new medicine. I also brought along a child's laxative because she had been trying but had not had a BM for 3 days. Anyhow the whole time we were there during our trip it didn't really seem to make a difference..until yesterday when we were getting ready to board the bus for the airport. Lets just say that we didn't have time to take her inside so we were standing by the bus bench with her standing up....to put it mildly it was on her legs, her new Minnie Mouse Dress, Adam's jeans, the cement, my arms.....well I think you get the point...what an end to a great vacation. I guess I should just be happy it helped.....just FYI we are already on our 4th full diaper today and it is only noon.

Just Great

2009-01-05T13:08:00.000-08:00

So we are now 3 days away from leaving for Disney world and the crap has hit the fan. I woke up this morning feeling very nauseated and now I am in the potty a lot if you know what I mean. Then Kaitlyn was up a couple times last night saying that she hurt and today she has a 103 fever and strep throat....on top of that Adam has a cold and I still have a bum foot....at this rate we will see how the vacation goes.

It finally clicked

2008-12-28T12:54:00.000-08:00

I just want to warn you ahead of time, this is not a happy post...it is for the most part a sad one. As I was in Kaitlyn's room today painting her mural(yes, I know it has been 2 1/2 yrs and still not done...) it finally clicked what makes me shop and spend money that I don't really have. I was thinking that it stems from when I was younger....12-16. My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. As the years progressed and his health was failing....I knew it would be the end soon. I think watching that for 4 years made me fear death. I know I fear dying....I am afraid of dying and my kids never remembering who I am, of my husband being all alone. I worry about my husband dying, my kids getting a terminal disease...I know morbid right. I should not worry about something that may or may not happen and something that I cannot control. I know that I shop and buy things because I think, what if I die tomorrow....I would really like to have this....or maybe my kids will remember that I bought that special toy that they wanted. I am sorry about everyone that I have hurt doing that....for sometimes making my kids expect things.....for making my husband upset when the bills come in....for everything. It is also a stress reliever, a self-esteem boost.....like shopping therapy.

Now, I am slowly watching my Grandma fade away. It brings back flashbacks of my father dying and every time I see her, I wonder if it is going to be the last time. She has always been a pillar of strength....almost invincible. One of the strongest people I have ever known. Now she is frail, sickly, painful, and no longer the strong one. Everyday it gets a little worse. She can no longer make if up the stairs in my moms house to go to bed, so she sleeps in the den in the recliner. She has to be taken in a wheelchair a very small amount over to her house because she can in no way walk that far anymore.....and in the 4 weeks that this has started, everyday it gets so much worse. The worst part is we are leaving for Disney world in a week and a half. I am scared to death....you see more then not, loved ones have died when I am away from home and I dread getting that phone call that I have to come home.....

It is for sure better to give then recieve

2008-12-24T20:27:00.000-08:00

It may have taken me 20 years to fully realize it, but I know above all that it is better to give then to receive. I try to help out whenever people need it, whether it be a friend, Julie's teacher, or a neighbor...a lot of people don't understand it....including at times my husband who I love dearly. Everyone always asks me, what are they going to do for you helping out...or what are you going to get in return?? Why is that always what people ask. I do those things for the good of doing the deed, not for what I may or may not get in return. Is it a selfless act? Yes, most of the time it gets unrecognized and unnoticed....it took me a very long time to realize that. Most of my life I have always wanted validation and praise for what I have done. I guess you could say that I have grown up. Today I did a very good deed. I had multiple bags of infant and toddler clothes that I have been slowly selling through craigslist and Ebay. Making some extra money, but I still had a lot left. I didn't realize until today, just how much I had. 10 large black outside garbage bags full...that is a lot. As I was packing it all up I was thinking...wow, I could make a lot of money off of this much...I mean in the $100's. Instead, I was packing it all up for a place that is called Twin Lakes Food Bank..it is a place where people can go that have nothing or very little...they can pick out a bag of clothes, they can get a toy for a child, they can receive groceries all free of charge. Somewhere they can get a leg up in this world. As I drove into the parking lot, I couldn't help but notice the people who volunteer to help and most of all, make someone Else's day...all without passing judgement. As I loaded all of my donation of clothes and a bassinet into carts, I saw people leaving with groceries....some who looked like they had not had a shower and clean clothes for awhile, others who were older and probably on a fixed income that was barely making it...who knows what the story is but I am sure they all had a different one to tell.
The one thing that I noticed was that everyone who was leaving with their cart of groceries had a huge smile on their face. It is then and there that I knew that I was doing the right thing....sure I could have made a lot of money off of it, but look at the many many people and kids that I helped. I also know that it is going to someone who truly needs them....so with a smile and a happy heart, I left feeling content knowing that I made someone Else's holidays just a little brighter and thankful that I can provide for my children and give them a happy holiday too....

How dare she

2008-12-14T08:59:00.000-08:00

So I was at a very very good friends house last night babysitting her kids and mine were there playing for awhile to. When I heard from the playroom, the little girl tell Julie that her mom put some of the dress up clothes up in the closet so Julie couldn't put them on because she was to big for them...ok..I understand that. Julie doesn't really fit in the 6x dress up clothes anymore and she doesn't want them ripped. But that is not what pissed me off. As I was sitting there listening, I heard the girl tell Julie that she cant wear them because she is too fat and her mom said that it is because you(Julie) eat too many snacks and too much dinner.....DID I HEAR THIS RIGHT??? So I called Julie into the other room where I was and sent the little girl back in the playroom so that I could talk to Julie alone. I then asked her what was said...she told me and thank god she isn't at the age where it affects her yet...I was pissed and crying because I went through that crap at school when I was a kid and I don't want my child to have to go through that, and for a mom to tell her child that...no wonder kids are so mean. If there parents have no problem saying it, why should they. I then asked the girl to come out and tell me what she told Julie and she repeated the same thing again and then I asked her if her mom told her that and she said yes....this person is one of my very good friends and I am pissed. Now what do I do....after I got home from babysitting at like 1:45 in the morning, I could not sleep but just laid there and thought about it some more and got even more pissed.

Merry Christmas to me...

2008-12-10T21:37:00.000-08:00

Well I guess when it rains it pours and also things happen in 3's. So off I went to the ER after my fall and 2 hrs later I returned with a cast and crutches and instructions to elevate and ice my foot before seeing an orthopedic doctor in a week or two. Not only did I break it, but the tendon in my foot pulled a piece of bone off. Just what I need. On crutches with 2 sick kids and I am not feeling that great tonight either....just my luck. I hope tomorrow will be better. Even better, I am supposed to be going to Florida to Disney World in a little over 3 weeks.

Lets add to my last one

2008-12-10T15:24:00.001-08:00

How do you make a day like this even better....well lets just say, I was walking in the other room to call my husband because one of our friends kids had not been picked up from school and they couldnt find the parents and I tripped, my foot buckled and I fell face 1st on the floor. So now I am laying here unable to put any weight on my foot and waiting until my mom or Adam get here to take me to the hospital....I just pray that the kids stay asleep until then

When it rains, it pours

2008-12-10T12:47:00.000-08:00

So today started off with Julie saying that she didn't feel good, but she has had a cough and a cold for about 2 weeks so I gave her some meds and sent her off to school only to have to pick her up early from school with a fever and a headache and saying that she feels really really sick. Then Kaitlyn has been crying for the last hour saying that her butt hurts since she has been so constipated that she has hemorrhoids on her bottom and still trying to poop. The doctor today gave us some medicine to start giving her which should help in about a week. She also looks like she is getting what Julie has so I think that it is just the start of what is to come. Also I discovered that she has ringworm on her leg...oh joy!! I think I am going to head to the Gym when Adam gets home tonight....LOL

What I wish people would understand

2008-12-09T16:03:00.000-08:00

When I was diagnosed with Lupus about a year ago, I had no idea what path I was going to go down or how I would feel from day to day. I felt like I had a death sentence handed to me and I was not going to be able to watch my kids grow up. I know now that there are things that I can do to help myself and my disease. Also I know that the chance of me dying from Lupus is slim. The one thing that I wish people would understand is the symptoms that come with it. Looking back, I cant blame people because before I was diagnosed I was blind to what people are going through too. I always thought that it could not be that bad. I had a boss that had fibromyalgia and would have extreme fatigue to the point that she had to quit her job as a successful veterinarian to stay home and even then her husband had to do all of the domestic chores and feed the kids when he got home from a 12 hr day of work. I admit, I never understood and I guess until you live it, you can't. I just thought she was lazy and using it as an excuse. Boy am I so sorry. Along with Lupus comes chronic fatigue.....no one, not even my husband understands the way that I feel. Because of this I get pissed and defensive when someone complains that my house isn't clean, or I didn't get to something I said I would, or I wont go to the gym. It hurts. You think that I like feeling like this. Like I am inadequate, a horrible wife and mother and all while trying to fake it on the outside so no one will notice what it is really like for me. More days then not, I fight to stay awake while I am driving because I get so tired. I pray to god that me and my kids will get home safe. I pass up playing with my kids to lay on my bed and then am full of guilt for everything that I have missed and how they are missing out on their mom. There is no true way to explain what it is like being this tired unless you have lived it. I guess you could maybe say it is the kind of tired when you have a newborn, only it goes on forever and you never get caught up. I still don't think that quite is enough though. I would love to get help at home, like an organizer or cleaning person or something, but that costs money that we cant afford so I look around at all that has to be done and get even more overwhelmed. I am not writing this for pity, I am just writing this so that maybe when someone is cranky or rude or grumpy, maybe they are having a bad day or living with a condition that no one but them knows about. Now don't get me wrong, I have good days too...but I just wish people would understand how most days are.....

The spirit of Christmas

2008-12-03T19:53:00.000-08:00

This is my favorite time of year. Ever since I was a kid, I loved Christmas and I still do. Now, I can also enjoy it through my kids eyes. From picking out and decorating the tree, putting decorations and lights in the yard and on the house and then tonight we tried Gingerbread houses. They had a blast and it is so fun to start new traditions with my famliy.

My husband is going to glue shoes on my foot

2008-12-02T21:20:00.000-08:00

Okay so Adam wants me to wear shoes 24 hours a day...the thing is that I hate shoes.....I hate having them on and I would much rather be barefoot. Lets go back about 3 months ago. I was walking into the garage and ran into a metal dog crate with my toe...lets just say that my pinkie toe went one way and the rest of my foot went the other...so since it was a little one and there is not much they can do about it, I buddy taped it to the other toe which is what they say to do...well after 6 weeks, it still was not better so I went to urgent care where they said it was broken and just taking a long time to heal(no they did not take an x-ray like I wanted them to.) Well 2 weeks ago it was still hurting when I was walking...now it had been 3 months and my doctor sent me for an x ray and said that I had a poorly healed toe fracture, nothing much left to do except keep it taped for a month but it may hurt forever...great. Fast forward to Thanksgiving....I was trying to pull the turkey off the counter when I knocked the food shears off into my big toe.....well then I looked down and saw the blood seeping through my sock and it felt like I broke it....just what I needed. Well Dr Julie brought me a band aid and Adam applied pressure even though it wasn't that big of a hole...just hurt like h..l. Just what I needed, I already had one toe on the other foot taped up. So it kept me up at night for 2 nights and then it only hurt when I bent it towards my foot or touched it. This morning I woke up and my toe was swollen at least 2 times the normal size so I headed back to my doctors...she asked if I cleaned it when it happened and I laughed and said I am a mom and I needed to get the turkey on, plus it was a small injury and it went through my sock so I wasn't worried about it...well it turns out she doesn't think it is broken, but the point of the scissors lacerated my medial tendon in my toe and has since started to get infected and that along with the swelling from the tendon has caused a lot of swelling in my toe....so I am now on Antibiotics and if it gets worse in the next 3 days then I need to go back and maybe have it drained....for now I am to take my meds, some Motrin and rest and elevate it as much as possible.....haha...with a 2 and 4 yr old...good luck.

As I give thanks.....

2008-11-26T15:03:00.000-08:00

On the eve of Thanksgiving, it is a day to think about all of the things I have to give thanks for. I am very blessed in my life.

I give thanks for my husband who is above all the best father and husband in the world.
I give thanks that I have 2 beautiful healthy daughters
I give thanks for the beautiful home that I am fortunate enough to live in
I give thanks for the food that we have to nourish us
I give thanks for my mother who is my best friend, confidant, and biggest fan
I give thank for dear friends
I give thanks that even during tough times, my business remains strong

Now the only thing is, how do you teach a 4 yr old....Julie said yesterday to me that she only gives thanks for one thing..."SANTA"

For the love of 4 yr olds.....

2008-11-17T21:24:00.000-08:00

Okay well all I can say is that I am so tired of cleaning balls......

Okay get your mind out of the gutter. I mean little tiny bead balls that they stuff things with....Julie and her friend broke open this huge 4 ft dolphin and all the balls spilled out and then Julie thought it would be funny to make it look like it was snowing all over her room. Well about 2 hrs after I started to vacuum I think they were all gone. Then I get home last night and my husband tells me to come into Julie's room. While I was gone, the kids got a pair of scissors and Kaitlyn decided to cut up a neck pillow that had even littler balls in it, the went everywhere and stuck to everything....Julie was hiding under her covers and was quick to point out that Kaitlyn did it and when I asked Kaitlyn if she made the mess, she proudly said YES!!
So this morning I was at Gymnastics with Kaitlyn and I kept looking at her because her hair looked different. I couldn't quite place it, then it hit me...her bangs had been cut....it looked like she just had a horrible bang trim....and I asked her if she got her hair cut and she told me "Yes, Julie did it!"

Okay so I am addicted

2008-09-13T15:48:00.000-07:00

So I admit it, I said I would never ever have my child play such a boring sport as soccer. The only thing is that when it is your child, it isn't boring, it is a blast and so exciting. I am a true soccer mom, so much so that my throat hurts after the game from yelling so much. Do I love it!!!The first game was last week and Julie got a patch for best goalie and today she scored her very 1st goal!!!!! I am SO PROUD.

Sept 11th...

2008-09-11T21:11:00.000-07:00

I know what you are probably thinking that here is another story about 9/11...well yes and no. Sept 11th is bittersweet for me. I still remember when and what I was doing that morning when a friend called us very early to tell us to turn on the TV...then I remember being glued to the radio all day at work, as the whole nation stood still and know one knew what to do. This day is also the 3 year anniversary of when I had my miscarriage. I wish that it had not happened on 9/11 and on some other random day because then I know that I would forget the date when it happened but because the date was already significant, I can't. So I morn for the child that I lost that I will never know except in my heart. For the little baby who just couldn't hold on for some reason or another. Some of you might say that you shouldn't think about it anymore because it has been 3 years, but for anyone who has ever carried a child will know that you cant just forget. So I morn, I morn for all of those lost on Sept 11th at the Trade Center and all of the people affected by it, I morn for the little one that I lost, and I morn for all the others who have a hard time on this day.

On the other side of this equation I look at my 2 beautiful girls and think how lucky I am to have them. Also if I hadn't lost that baby, I wouldn't have Kaitlyn who I cant imagine life without. A lot of people try for years to have a child and it never happens, yet I have two healthy girls. My oldest is becoming such a big girl. Last Sunday I did a walk to cure kids cancer at Six Flags in Vallejo. I tried to convince friends and family to walk with me, but no one would complaining that it was to early or they would be too tired because it is Sunday. ARE YOU KIDDING ME...get off your high horse and think about all of the kids affected and families of the sick children. Why don't you tell them that it was to far to go...anyhow out of the blue, my little Angel Julie said, "I will go with you mom because I don't want you to have to walk alone"...I told her that we would have to be out of the house by 5:30 am and she told me that was okay she could go back to sleep on the car ride. I was so happy that in that fact she is becoming just like me. Feeling the true meaning of helping others even if it means being a little inconvenienced. Let me tell you, she got payed back tenfold. Since it was mostly adults walking, all the characters came out before and hung out, so she basically had unlimited access to all without having to compete with others, she danced with them, took pictures and had fun with all of them for about an hour. Then at the end she got to meet Candace Cameron from Full House(DJ Tanner) and although she didn't know who she was, she thought it was cool to take a picture with a "movie star". My heart felt great to know that my little girl had a great time while doing a great thing. Last but not least, it is a special day because it is my sister-in-laws birthday!!! Happy happy birthday, wish we were there!!

While we are on the topic already..

2008-08-30T16:32:00.000-07:00

So to make our whole injury week even worse after our bee sting on Wed, Kaitlyn now has a bad infection in her leg. She has just kept getting scraps and cuts on her poor knees and the other day she got her knee and top of her ankle/foot at the same time. Yesterday I noticed a red rash like ring around both areas. This morning it was much bigger and her whole leg was swollen. So thankfully our doctor works on the weekend so off we went...now we are on a strong antibiotic that we were told tastes nasty...yeah that should be fun to give her tonight.

On a good note though, I think our two year old is a genius. We were sitting and eating dinner the other night and Julie was getting in trouble for something and so I started to count to 3...well I said 1, then Kaitlyn said 2,3,4,5. I think that I almost fell off my chair. I would have never guessed that she could do that. So I tried to go more and she can count to 10 all by herself...wow!!

I don't know who it hurts more..

2008-08-27T17:41:00.000-07:00

So we decided today to take a day trip to the San Francisco Zoo...I know some say I am crazy especially since we had to be home by 5:30 to get ready for soccer and it is about a 3 hr drive. So we arrived a little after 11 which meant that we had a little over 3 hours before we had to head home. I know you think I am crazy too, but I have always wanted to go and I can convince no one to go with me so I said what the h..l. The kids were having a lot of fun, but in between the children's zoo and eating lunch and seeing a few birds we didn't have time for much else....So as we were just seeing some of the bears, Julie said that she once again had to go potty and she really had to go. So I put her in the stroller, Kaitlyn on my shoulders and there I was trying to run to the potty while pushing a 4 yr old in a stroller trying to push it with one hand and trying to hold onto Kaitlyn so that she didn't fall off my shoulders....thankfully we made it and I am sure all that saw me had a good laugh. So we were leaving the bathroom and walking to our next animal and Kaitlyn was being a typical 2 yr old, meandering behind us, picking flowers, touching everything, so I turned around to tell her to hurry up and she was grabbing a line divider poll. She all of a sudden gets a scared look on her face and keeps freaking out and then she starts screaming. I thought that she got her finger pinched in the roll up divider thing. But this was a cry much worse then that. So I ran over to her and looked at her finger only to find a stinger from a bee....all I can think of is she touched a bee on the pole and it stung her. Well I have never been stung, but those who have said it hurts like hell for like 2 hours. The people working in the restaurant brought us some ice which she let me put on it for like a minute. She was just screaming and crying and nothing I could do could comfort her. Poor Julie was so worried about her little sister and kept checking on her. Then she told me that she thinks that we should go home now. OF course we were on the far end of the zoo and had a long way to walk to the front. I was carrying a screaming toddler that kept saying boo boo and holding her hand since she got stung in the thumb and crying, I was trying to also push the stroller and help Julie. I got the stinger out but she was still screaming. So I called Adam and had him look online to see what to do. It said that it will hurt for at least 2 hrs and to put Ice(yeah right) so that it will keep swelling down and help with pain and to give Motrin. So I gave her Motrin and a double dose of Tylenol and was prepared for a very long car ride home, with a painful screaming toddler. I think it hurt me almost as bad as her. To have your child cry and know that there is nothing that you can do to make things better, it makes your heart hurt, you wish that you could just take the pain away somehow....She finally cried herself to sleep after about 30 minutes, only to wake up halfway through the ride home, crying and saying boo boo and holding her hand. Her hand was swollen and painful and thankfully she fell back asleep. Hopefully she wont have horrible memories of the zoo and we will be going back soon so that we can see the whole thing this time.

Do you believe???

2008-08-25T15:02:00.001-07:00

Let me say that I have always been on the fence about all natural medicine and homeopathic fixes...I believe that in some cases it has sucess but in the back of my mind I also think that we have prescription drugs because the stuff in nature didnt work. So I guess I say that my thinking isif you combine it with a prescription maybe it will improve things yes, but on its own...I am not quite sure. Except for today when a miracle happend before my eyes and it was all in part to a homeopathic remedy....let me explain.

I was at a new clients house do a consult for pet sitting and we were going outside to look at the plants that needed taking care of also(she is a landscape designer). Well as we opened the door she became very upset because a small hummingbird had run into the plate glass window of her bonus house/room and was lying on the ground. We went out to see it and it was on deaths door. Being a vet tech, I didnt want to say it but the bird had no chance. It was laying on its side, eyes closed, beak flat against the ground, struggling for its last breath of life. It was very sad and we were both upset. She has put decals up on the window to try and deter the birds but she said it still happens. She was thinking what to do because she didnt want to leave it there and have her cat get it....the only good thing was that it looked like it had been knocked out so it probably no longer felt the pain...she then told me that she has some homeopathic medicine that she has used before and although she didn't think it was going to work on this bird because of the state he was in, she has seen birds get up and fly away before after receiving this...in the back of my mind ?I was thinking yeah right.....no way, and especially not on this bird. So she ran inside and came back outside with what looked like an eye drop bottle. She placed a small drop on the birds beak and then a few small drops on his back. Within seconds, he jumped up and fluttered a few steps and then sat on the ground....it was dazed but up....I couldn't believe it. Now I was thinking no what the heck are we going to do with a broken bird who cant fly and it we leave him here he will surely get eaten by the cats. He looked at us and he was so beautiful. Well we went along to leave the little bird to rest and check out the plants. When we came back about 5 minutes later he was still sitting in the same place. So we went closer and stood by him and talked to him...before we knew it, he took off flying over the roof and back to wherever like nothing had ever happened to him before...I asked her what she gave him and it was some drop made for animals that is used for trauma....WOW. I believe....

Different from the start, even in utero

2008-08-21T06:50:00.000-07:00

As we make our way back across the united states from New York to California, I cant wait until we get home. Not for the reasons that you may think though. Lets go back to the beginning. When I was pregnant with my first, she was very mellow even in the womb. There were times I didn’t feel her move or kick all day and I would get worried and then have to drink some juice and do kick counts to make sure all is well. After she was born, she was the easiest, most mellow tempered baby and child. Everyone would remark how good she was sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old. Accepting everything with ease. To this day she is still very mellow and easy going except for the typical 4 yr old things. We could take her anywhere and not have to worry…restaurants, long car trips, airplanes and know that we would never have a problem…….
Let’s jump to number 2…..I started to feel her kick in the womb at 11 weeks(really early) and she never ever stopped kicking or moving. I swore up until my ultrasound that she was a boy because how dramatically different this baby was. My doctor would just keep telling me that it was just a different personality….but I wasn’t convinced. Now I must say to Dr Burke….you were right on the money. She is very high spirited, easy to anger, stubborn, and if she doesn’t get what she wants or thinks she deserves watch out. There are no tricks to help with her either.
So lets get back to our plane adventure that we are currently on. We left Ny around 1pm for our first leg of the flight which was an hour and 45 minutes. Let me say now that I am so very sorry to the people who were in front of us…if she wasn’t karate kicking the seats she was yelling no and getting angry that I was holding her legs….then when drinks came she decided that it would be fun to use her small straw to blow apple juice all over the back of the seats and I hope not on the people in front of us. We tried everything from our arsenal of snacks, food, drinks, colors…to no avail. It was one of those flights that before I had kids, I would have said, why cant those people control that little brat….lol. Let s just say we were so thankful to land at Atlanta Airport where we stopped at Fridays for a bite to eat….at this point she was trying to lay on the table, sit on the table, crawl over the table, throw all of the sweetener at people, crawl and lay under the table…well I think you get the picture. Needless to say she didn’t eat much so of course when we got on the plane, she was still hungry…we had a 3 hr layover in Atlanta so we decided to let the kids run like crazy up and down the airport to tire them out even though they were already exhausted. So we board the plane to Sacramento and I am sure that Kaitlyn(the 2 yr old) is going to fall asleep at any second….but oh no. For the next 2 hrs she screamed, kicked(thank god we put dad in front of her this time), cried, threw things, and just caused a ruckus. She wanted her window shade up, then down, then up….she wanted the earphones on and off and on and off….she wanted some of the cheese and fruit we bought but only on her terms. She was mad that her sister fell asleep leaning against the side of her car seat….and then about 20 minutes ago finally…peace…her eyes are closed and she is finally sound asleep. I thought that it would never ever come. Only another 2 hours to go until we land..lets hope that everyone stays fast asleep.

I need am going to need a vacation from my vacation...

2008-08-17T18:01:00.000-07:00

So we are in the middle of our 8 day vacation to New York to visit the in-laws, attend my husbands cousins wedding, and go to a baby naming ceremony for my niece. Boy am I tired, and the worst part of that is my in-laws have been doing most of the running around with the kids...which has been a godsend for me. It is not that I am not having fun, it is just that our days have been very full of things to do. My husband told me today that he has been to more Jewish celebrations this week since before we got married. (which has been 6 years). I love seeing my nieces since we mostly see them through pictures only since we live on different coasts. Also I have to say that I have seen the wonderful girl that my older daughter has become. I can't believe that she sat through a whole ceremony at the temple and a baby naming with no complaints or problems. I even asked her if she wanted to go out with the younger kids, she said no. She sat there for 2 hours as good as can be. By the end of the ceremony, she was the only child still there, so the rabbi came by and gave her a special candy. Then today we attended a wedding which was very long and hot and my younger one was all over the place, in fact I had to miss the ceremony because she wouldn't be quiet. But my 4 year old sat there as good as can be, like a little grown up. She danced and played and ate and behaved herself. My husband and I left early because my 2 year old needed a nap, but she wanted to stay behind. Everyone said how good she was, dancing and being polite and enjoying the wedding with all of her heart. It makes you proud as a mom to hear that and realize that although there has been some very hard times, it is all worth it and I did things right with my little princess. If she can go out with others around and have compliments about how good she is, then I am proud. She is growing up to fast....as I look back and everything has went by so fast. She goes to school, she is an excellent swimmer and an even better horseback rider. She no longer needs her mom as much as she did, she is growing up and branching out in this world....she is only 4, but man am I proud of her. Tired, but proud!!

Garlic Festival or Bust....plus Kailtyn's 2nd birthday

2008-08-03T21:40:00.000-07:00

Wow has it been a busy two weeks. We finally made it to the Gilroy Garlic Festival which I have always wanted to go to...well let me tell you it was such a disappointment and I didnt even get to taste the one thing that I have always wanted to try when I got there. Lets just say it should have been called the Festival of Lines...because that is all we did...we left after only 45 minutes. The bad part is we waited in line on the freeway to get in for 2 1/2 hours in which time we only had to go 2 miles.....waste, and the line was so long for the ice cream it would have been another 2 hrs just for a taste. I think if you ask Julie the only good thing about it was that now instead of throw a ping pong ball and when a goldfish, you win a hermit crab which she did and brought home and added it to her zoo.....

My little girl also turned 2, I can't believe how fast the girls are growing up. It seems like I blink and they have gotten much bigger. Julie is such a talker and very smart. She has very intelligent conversations for her age and Kaitlyn is a handful, very independent and stubborn...but sweet too. She had a great time at her party which we had at a small lake by our house with our family and a few close friends. She went for her 2 yr check up and she was 28lbs and 35 1/2 inches.....she is very tall for her age.

Enough is enough!

2008-07-07T16:25:00.000-07:00

This is getting crazy....today I went to the gas station at Safeway on the way to pick Julie up from school...now they have this new crazy rule at the pumps that you can only pump a max of $75 or $100 depending on what credit card you are using and if you want to pump more then you have to go inside....why they did this, I have no idea. Maybe to piss us moms off who don't want to take the effort to go inside because we have little ones in the car. So that made me a little mad...but the worst part is that as I was pumping my gas, the pump suddenly shuts off because I have reached their pump max and the bad thing is that my tank wasn't even full. Now it wasn't like I was using the super premium gas, just plain old regular....if things continue this way, nobody is going to be able to go anywhere....we need to find a solution and fast. At this rate, I don't know how much longer all my hard work of my business can survive. Pretty soon due to gas prices, my prices will have to be so high, no one will be able to afford it anymore. On the flip side when it is 106 outside and the air quality is the worst I have ever seen it(due to the hundreds of fires burning in California...in purple to be honest something like an AQI of 276(I didn't even know they had a purple) we have been staying inside, which makes for a crazy house with 2 stir crazy kids.

If nothing else, at least she is honest

2008-07-07T16:21:00.000-07:00

So I got a big slap in the face today from my 4 yr old. We were sitting in the living room watching TV and a Nutrisystem commercial comes on tv. As my 4 yr old intensely watches she turns to me and says "Mom, why don't you get that..it can make you lose weight"..."you want to lose weight, right?" So I ask her why did she say that and she says to me because you are fat mommy and you need to lose weight so why don't you go and buy that.....

Who the heck is MURPHY???

2008-06-12T07:38:00.000-07:00

So I don't know who this Murphy character is or how he even got his name, but I do know that I HATE him....let me explain...yesterday I went to my 3 month rheumotology appt that I have every 3 months. We were talking about how great I was doing and how if I would have asked him 6 months ago where I would be, he would have never thought I would be doing this good. We even talked about in 3 months to start weaning me off all of my meds....yeah!!! Fast forward to this morning. I woke up and I noticed some aching in my wrists but I thought well maybe I slept wrong. Until the morning progressed along with the pain...(you have got to be kidding me). Did I jinx this because yesterday I was talking about how things have been great for 3 months with no pain issues...and this is Murphy's way of getting back to me. My Dr said that my body had probably self corrected itself and put me into remission....he also said that my case will never be black and white...since there are so many over laps of the diseases...he thinks he is leaning more to arthritis...but it still could be lupus....anyhow I don't mean to complain, but man this sucks...

On the upside I had a beautiful niece come into this world the other day and I cant wait to meet her in August...congrats east coast family!!

It's been a while

2008-05-23T07:31:00.001-07:00

Well, I noticed that I haven't written in a long time, so I guess it is time...this will probably be all about random useless things today but just something to get it off my mind and let everyone know what is going on in my life. Well 1st and foremost we decided to turn our unused hot tub into a koi pond(something that my husband and I have talked about building for a long time)...it is very relaxing to stand out there and watch the fish....but I also want them to become tame and become the kind that will come up and eat out of your hand etc...so I guess in that instance they are teaching me to be patient. I feed them and then stand there for an hour waiting for them to come up and eat and realize that I bring food and I am not a predator....so I wait and I wait....I will let you know how that goes.

We also just returned from a family vacation to Galveston, Texas. We went to the water park, beach, Moody Gardens, boardwalk and just relaxed. I think the most daring part of the trip is m husband took my almost 2 yr old on all of the big water slides.....I was scared to death but she seemed to love it. My 4 year old will go on them all day if we let her, but my 2 year old is defiantly not a risk taker like my 4 yr old. All in all we had a good time and we are now home to return to our normal routine. My 4 yr old also had her end of the year school party yesterday. Now she is off to pre-k. I can't believe how fast she is growing up. It seems like the days go slow but the months go so fast. Before I know it they will both be all grown up.

Now I just have to vent about something...I wont mention any names, but why does it always seem like the best laid plans always get messed up and when you are looking forward to something, someone finds a way to change it and mess everything up. I know I shouldn't complain but I have a certain person who is supposed to be related to me, but I have tried to make every effort to show my love and become close with no return. I guess more then anything it is frustrating and upsetting. I try not to let it bother me, but then out of the blue she comes along and upsets all of the plans everyone else has...I know that in truth it is not really her fault, but I think it bothers me the most because so many other people dote over her and change the things that are going to happen because she shows up and then their is me, who I believe she could care less that I am around and want to care...anyhow probably no one will understand this last section but I needed to get it off my chest anyhow.

Good news....and well who knows

2008-04-12T07:59:00.000-07:00

So I went for a biopsy on Wed for a lump that I have had for about 6 months that has been painful and they were not sure what it was...So yesterday when I went to the Dr's for my EKG they gave me the results of the biopsy...NORMAL..nothing to worry about...great news right....well then I had my EKG done.....they told me that while it is within the normal limits, it had a lot of artifacts in it so they are going to send me to a cardiology group to have a treadmill test. I asked them if they ever gave me good news anymore?? I guess on the other hand I have been feeling well, except for being a little tired but with 2 little ones what can you expect. I am thinking about getting a second opinion on my lupus because I don't have that many of the symptoms that they say are involved with it...maybe I just don't want to believe it but I have been doing well, and what does it hurt to exhaust all of your options..right???

My Birthday

2008-03-28T16:03:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I turn 29...I can't believe it. As I look back at my 29 years of life, I think of all of the things I am thankful for and blessed to have. To start I have two wonderful, beautiful daughters who are the love of my life. I have a great husband who loves me even though I may have many shortcomings. I have a wonderful mom, who is my rock....the one that I look up to and strive to be like. She is one of my best friends. I have a Grandma who I am lucky to still have around me. I have some wonderful in-laws who love my family with all of their heart. While I don't have a lot of friends, the ones that I do have are near and dear to me and I know will be there for me should I need it. I have also had the same best friend since I was 12 and even though we may be far apart right now, we love each other the same as we always have.

Sometimes I worry because my house is a disaster zone, and maybe I am not the most organized person in the world. I could stand to lose a few pounds, mellow out at times, and most of all just smell the roses and enjoy life like my children do. I think as adults we tend to forget what is really important. One day, my house will be clean again when all of the kids are at school and I will look around and realize how empty and quiet it is and wish that I had those days back that I may have had a messy house, but I also had two wonderful girls around to keep me company.....

Definition of Lupus

2008-02-28T15:53:00.000-08:00

A lot of you have asked me what exactly is Lupus....since I am not good at explaining it...here is a brief overview of the disease. I hope this helps.

Lupus: A chronic inflammatory condition caused by an autoimmune disease. An autoimmune disease occurs when the body's tissues are attacked by its own immune system. Patients with lupus have unusual antibodies in their blood that are targeted against their own body tissues.
Lupus can cause disease of the skin, heart, lungs, kidneys, joints, and nervous system. When only the skin is involved, the condition is called discoid lupus. When internal organs are involved, the condition is called systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE). Up to 10% of persons with discoid lupus (lupus limited to the skin) eventually develop the systemic form of lupus (SLE).
SLE is eight times more common in women than men. The causes of SLE are unknown. However, heredity, viruses, ultraviolet light, and drugs may all play a role.
Eleven criteria have been established for the diagnosis of SLE:
Malar (over the cheeks of the face) "butterfly" rash
Discoid skin rash: patchy redness that can cause scarring
Photosensitivity: skin rash in reaction to sunlight exposure
Mucus membrane ulcers: ulceration of the lining of the mouth, nose or throat
Arthritis: 2 or more swollen, tender joints of the extremities
Pleuritis/pericarditis: inflammation of the lining tissue around the heart or lungs, usually associated with chest pain with breathing
Kidney abnormalities: abnormal amounts of urine protein or cellular elements
Brain irritation: manifested by seizures (convulsions) and/or psychosis
Blood count abnormalities: low counts of white or red blood cells, or platelets
Immunologic disorder: abnormal immune tests include anti-DNA or anti-Sm (Smith) antibodies, falsely positive blood test for syphilis, anticardiolipin antibodies, lupus anticoagulant, or positive LE prep test
Antinuclear antibody: positive ANA antibody testing
The treatment of SLE is directed toward decreasing inflammation and/or the level of autoimmune activity. Persons with SLE can help prevent "flares" of disease by avoiding sun exposure and by not abruptly discontinuing medications.

The diagnosis is in...now what

2008-02-27T10:31:00.000-08:00

So since I already have a blog dedicated to my kids and my weight loss, I decided to write one dedicated to me and my feelings and health. Feel free to read it or not....it is a place that I can find solace and write my feelings and worries and where family far away can find out how I am without having to ask all the time, or better yet not get mad at me for not telling them what is going on.

So yesterday I had my 2 month appt with the Rhemotoligist and he said that I am doing remarkably better then he ever expected which is great news. On the flip side of that, he has now diagnosed me with Lupus and Chronic Fatigue syndrome which is the bad news. Before he was thinking Rhematoid arthritis which was the better of the two to have but now it is the worse one. Although I am doing well with this at the present time it is just a matter of time until another flare up. Then I wonder about all the scary things that no one wants to think about...Will I live long enough to see my children grow up, am I going to have major health problems from this....what is the long term prognosis?? Many many years ago when Lupus was diagnosed people died within 3 months....mostly because they took a very very long time to come to a diagnosis. Now with the advance in medicine they say people can live a normal and full life....but what if I am not one of those lucky ones. I now have an extremley increased risk by 70-80% of Coronary artery disease and heartattack not to mention the other bad things that can go along with the disease....kindey problems, blood transfusions, blood clotting problems...should I go on or do you get the picture. As if my depression wasnt already bad at times, now I have this to worry about. My next issue, I have this thing in my side that has been causing me pain, a lump that can be felt...they have done an ultrasound and found nothing which origianlly they were thinking it was a hernia..now they are worried that is something more serious so they want to get the ball rolling asap in case it needs to be removed quickly...so they next step is a needle biopsy and then maybe an open surgical biopsy....do I really need this at a time like this??? So as if you can't tell, today is a depressing day for me...as I sit here and contemplate my life and what I have done, I realize that their is still so much I want to do. I look at my kids beautiful face and wonder if I will see them grow up and graduate from school, get married, or even have kids. I lay down at night with my husband and study his face wondering if it will be the last time that I will see it clearly.

I guess I try to find comfort in the family and close friends that I have, and the fact that I have two beautiful and healthy daughters who have no idea that mommy has anything wrong with her. So for now, I am going to look at each day in a new light and enjoy my kids so much more and not worry so much about the small things...because you never know when it all might be gone.